My husband hates my sister and my parents. He’s said that the only way he can have a relationship with me is to not have one with them. I agreed to this.
We discussed the possibility of adopting a child. He said he couldn’t, due to his chronic pain issues.
I’ve devoted my life to bettering the lives of children; this was a real blow. So I comforted myself that I have nieces and nephews, and eventually grandchildren from my step-kids (who were grown when I married him).
I asked if he’d leave the door open to my sister to allow her the opportunity to make up with him, for the sake of my nephew. He agreed.
Two days later he used my request as grounds for divorce.
Was I wrong to ask?
Your self-doubt is astonishing in the face of your husband’s unreasonable response about your sister. His selfish controls over your family connections – and your acceptance - indicate that your marriage is terribly unequal… unless your relatives are so toxic that they present emotional or physical danger to both of you.
If you stay with this man, insist on having your own time with the relatives you choose. Your nephew can’t bond with you if he grows up knowing his mother has been rejected forever. And the rest of the family won’t see you as the nurturing child-loving person you wish to be, if you’re secluded from them by an unwelcoming partner. He also shows a crummy example to his own adult kids, about family ties!
My boyfriend of three years, and I live together; he’s 27, I’m 26.
He’s in an unfortunate financial situation because of school loans (for a future good career), and a low-paying job.
I’ve mistakenly lent him over $1500 to pay for rent, vacation trips, etc. – to be paid back within days or months at most.
I pay for gas in my car that mostly he drives, groceries and the dog’s expenses.
The little money he has, he spends on alcohol, cigarettes and weed.
His mother ended his financial support; his abusive father is estranged.
I come from a well-off, stable family: they’d be terribly hurt if they discovered I’m supporting him.
Otherwise, we get along great; he’s my best friend.
He puts in his equal share and more, in cooking, cleaning, laundry and dog-walking.
I feel like breaking up with him, but it’s heart-breaking to see him left alone in his horrible financial situation.
He’s tried to quit smoking, only briefly.
We can’t go for counselling, because doctors are required to report drug use in patients of his chosen profession.
What should I do?
Your instinct to break-up comes from being angry at yourself, more than him. He’s taken advantage of you, because you let him.
It’s time you stopped feeling responsible for him and take a lesson from his mother: His expensive recreational habits are wasteful and insulting, when he can’t afford his basic needs or to pay you back.
Break off, and move apart. The split may be a wake-up call that he’s lost his best friend over bad habits which also risk his career – if so, if you love him, take time for him to straighten out his priorities and drop the drug use before re-connecting.
On the other hand, he could end up leaning on someone else - proving a character weakness you don’t want to support permanently.
My boyfriend and I recently broke up over something he did which I couldn’t forget.
We’ve still talked regularly; then, on MSN, he wrote, “We’re the perfect couple, just not in the perfect situation.”
I emailed him, asking if it was meant for us. He never replied. So 11 hours later I confronted him. He said he hadn’t wanted to answer. Does it mean he’s moved on?
I’m so mad and frustrated when I think about it…
You thought that since YOU ended the relationship, YOU should be the first to move on. But breakups don’t play out to one person’s script.
You’re clearly the sensitive one, who felt deeply hurt from whatever he did in the past.
He’s the practical guy – you called it off, so he doesn’t want to chat about it. You’ll get over him… if you stop studying him and focus on your own growth.
Tip of the day:
How people treat their own parents and in-laws, is the lesson they teach on family connections.