Years ago, I discovered an x-rated video my husband said he was only keeping for a friend. I was upset and worried our then-youngsters would find it. Years later, I found him watching porn and masturbating. It physically sickened me. He said it wouldn't happen again.

Since then, whenever we argued, I'd raise these incidents; I felt he never really apologized or validated my feelings.

Last year, he had a guilty look while on the computer. He slammed it shut, accused me of sneaking up on him (not so). I was hysterical but he insisted it was personal stuff he couldn't let me see.

Recently, I discovered disgusting porn videos. He now admits he had a problem, it's over, he cried, apologized.

But the dates show recent modifying. I can't move forward without having many questions answered. He wants to earn my trust. I want to separate. Sex seems ruined for me. I feel unloved and unwanted. Yet I have this need to talk with him about all of it. Why?

Feeling Betrayed

Your husband's opened a door into deeper communication. By him saying his porn interest was a "problem," he's shown a desire to talk about it. Maybe you'll understand his behaviour better, maybe not. But just running away isn't going to resolve your feelings of rejection, or disgust.

You'll need professional counselling to air this out. It's the only rational way to learn what motivated his actions and why he had to hide it from you. The porn may've had nothing to do with his emotional feelings for you.

Consider, too, that your children will have trouble understanding how you could end a marriage without probing into the one thing that drove you away.

Our granddaughter is nine; neither our son nor we knew about her until she was two, we never saw her until she was seven. Her mother's been in a long (somewhat turbulent) relationship with the father of her older children.

For two years, we've had an on-off relationship with our granddaughter. We've followed the mother's conditions regarding the child's visits but her mother will end this for months, with some excuse.

We love our granddaughter and she loves being with us, but is under pressure from her mother when she returns home. She seems to lack self-confidence and self-esteem.

She misses a lot of school from being sick or getting up late. We hear living conditions in the home are poor. The mother sometimes makes threats or spies on us (especially our son). We feel the child's being emotionally abused.

How can we assure she's safe and in a healthy environment, without causing more stress in her life?

Dilemma

You don't mention your son's role. He's the one who can legally make inquiries about the child's living conditions, who can more easily probe into whether there's emotional abuse.

If you're certain there's abuse, you have a responsibility to report this to children's services. But, if you're only speculating, you could alienate the mother completely, and lose access to your granddaughter.

Meanwhile, use time with the girl for building your bond and letting her know you're always available and reachable. Encourage her confidence, boost her interest in school. Maintain as pleasant and supportive contact with the mother as possible; she may appreciate having a wider network.

You might even suggest an occasional outing where the other siblings are invited too, so that you don't only represent your son's past involvement with the girl's mother.

After discovering my then-girlfriend's affair with a co-worker, I broke up with her. I became depressed (I'd also got laid off work).

After several months' job searching, I went back to college. There I met a wonderful woman, we quickly became friends. I realize I like her more than a friend, but am afraid I'll get burned as in my last relationship.

I told her about my past, she understands. How do I approach the situation without ruining everything or coming on too strong and needy?

Anxious

Every relationship is a new beginning, so long as YOU don't repeat old patterns that may've contributed negatively.

Do NOT be needy; be confident that you have as much to offer as she does. Allow personal time and space for you both, as well as time together. Forget your past "story," this woman isn't the same as the other and neither are the circumstances.