I've been dating my fiancée for three years, but some things have bothered me since the beginning.
I knew she was shy and not outgoing, but I thought I could bring her out of her shell. I've tried everything, with no results. I like to go out and have fun but that's stopped. I love her so much but I feel like I'm missing out because we're constantly home doing nothing.
There's also our boring sex life. I feel she's not interested in me.
We've talked and argued about this - her only response is, "that's not the way I am."
It's hurt me deeply as I now think that I'm unattractive or that she's cheating on me. I've even thought about cheating on her, in order to feel wanted.
What should I do?
- Confused and Hopeless in Chicago
Postpone wedding plans. Unless you get other satisfactions from acting as The Martyr who must stay home, or as The Rescuer hoping to change her personality and libido, you’re making concessions you can’t sustain. The marriage won’t last, this way.
You need to talk to a counsellor and probe why your definition of “love” includes giving in on everything that matters to you, and losing self-confidence to boot. OR, you two haven’t really worked out what’s mutually agreeable - what she likes to do for fun that you could also enjoy, why she doesn’t like your idea of fun, and a sex life that’s acceptable to both of you.
If that’s the case, you need therapy together, before any wedding.
My fiancé of eight months and I are both 22, marrying soon. No one in his family has been involved in wedding planning or contributed financially.
Unfortunately, two months ago, my fiancé’s father died unexpectedly. Now, his mother and two sisters have been trying to "bring their father into the wedding.” They want pictures of him all over the reception, and at the church alter. They want his name mentioned in the invitations and programs. They’re making a 20-minute slide show to be shown during the reception.
I feel badly about saying No to these things but I feel like it’s just too much.
What do you think?
As “overwhelmed” as you feel about their intrusion, they’re more overwhelmed by their grief, so proceed with sensitivity. If you say “NO” to everything, you’ll risk damaging your future relationship with them indefinitely.
Instead, come up with thoughtful compromises, explaining that you want to honour his Dad but that a wedding is not appropriate for a memorial service.
But it’s not uncommon that his name should be on the invitation and program, as in “John Doe, son of the late …”
However, you could suggest that the slide show be part of another wedding-related event, such as after the rehearsal dinner, or at a gathering of close people on the day before the wedding. You could say you’d like to have one photo at the reception, but not many around the room as décor. A photo at the alter may appear morbid and take away from the focus on the celebration of a new life together for the bride and groom.
However, all these decisions are personal, so before you make them remember this: Think what your reaction would be, were it your father who’d suddenly passed; be compassionate and leave some room for flexibility if anything is too hurtful to them.
I’m 25, with one child, age three and have one year left of college for my degree.
I’ve been in a relationship for five years and we have one son together.
However, last month I told him that I was pregnant again and he said he didn’t want any more kids. He told me that in order to keep him, I’d have to have an abortion.
I said I wouldn’t and we’ve not talked since.
He visits his son and that’s all.
I love him but I also love my unborn child.
- Help Me
Help yourself, by knowing what you can live with and cannot, and not allowing this man or any other to threaten you with having to abort a child. Remind him that he created this pregnancy with you and is responsible for helping support the child.
Get help from a community agency to stay in school, get your degree, and plan for the birth.
Tip of the day:
A relationship based on one person always giving in, is headed for trouble.