Thank you for printing my story on Dec. 31, about marrying a younger woman who cheated with my friend. When I found out, she apologized, and I realized I hadn't spent enough time with her and our three young kids.
When I said I wanted to hurt my wife, I didn't mean physically, but to tell her I had an affair with someone with whom she's close. This happened after months of her cheating on me. But I don't know if I should say anything. What do you think?
If you want to launch an ongoing cycle of hurt and revenge, then dropping your own bombshell is part of a marriage war you'll both have created. And the environment for your young children will be one of tension and anger.
Your wife's cheating was wrong, but your cheating in turn did nothing to make things right. You've already acknowledged giving her little attention. That doesn't mean her affair was your fault.
But since you know something's missing in the union, put time into companionship together as a family, into "dating" each other again, and getting marital counselling to both learn how to deal with problems that arise.
If there's hope for you two as a couple, it won't come through "paybacks," or without addressing the underlying problems that caused the infidelity.
My in-laws have never accepted me as I'm from another culture. My parents tried to be nice to them but my in-laws were always unfriendly and anti-social to them.
They've had their other married kids' parents over for dinner (of the same culture) but never mine, although my parents have had them over in past.
I've tried to accept that they're very closed-minded, but now I'm pregnant and it's bothering me more. They look down on my culture even though their grandchild will be half of each. My husband's advice and practice is to keep distance, but their lack of approval bothers me.
I feel I've become the "poster child" for why one should not marry into other cultures due to the backwardness of my in-laws. Yet my husband is a great man and I'm looking forward to having a family with him.
Toss the "poster child" image - you're not a victim of these people or the situation. And it's unhealthy to see yourself or your future children that way.
Yes, his parents are narrow-minded. But he's not. Nor are countless good people whom you know and will associate with, avoiding the others whenever possible.
A baby may help change the grandparents' attitudes. If not, your husband should speak to his parents firmly about not accepting any excluding behaviour and set limits on seeing them, if they persist.
I know this guy who loves this girl but cares about another one. But he says that the one he cares about satisfies him.
What hurts me is that I like him a lot and I'm the girl whom he cares about, while he loves another. Should I move on?
The Other Girl
Tell him to get his "satisfaction" elsewhere. You're second choice and that's bound to make you feel second rate. If you accept that now, you'll likely do so in future relationships too.
This guy's using you, while he can't get the girl he really wants. Saying he "cares" about you is just his way of way of holding onto you.... until he can get her. Move on, for your own self-respect.
I suffer from chronic depression and have no friends or family I can talk to. I've called
distress centres in my area when I've felt
overwhelmed and, often, I've encountered a recorded message indicating that no one was there.
I wasn't suicidal at the time but what about the people who were and called to find a closed centre? I'm currently going through a bad period and cannot see myself getting into my car and driving to the nearest hospital, only to sit in an emergency ward for ten hours or more.
I strongly believe that distress centres should be staffed 24/7 by paid social workers, with the aid of trained volunteers.
I urge you, and everyone who feels suicidal, to get to whatever help is available, including a hospital if necessary. But everyone connected with mental health issues should also lobby to make sure there are staffed distress centres accessible 24/7.
Tip of the day:
Responding to a spouse's affair with revenge does nothing to help the marriage.