I'm 24 and fell in love with my best friend three years ago. We knew that we wanted to marry each other, and that it’d be problematic because we’re from different cultures.

My mother and stepfather know our intentions, we’re trying to get their approval.

We can’t see each other often because of this problem. Meanwhile, my boyfriend became close friends with a female classmate.

He showed me some of their conversations and I recognized that she had feelings for him. He asked her about it. She denied it, so he felt free to continue the friendship.

Unfortunately, he was with her far more than with me. I became uncomfortable with their friendship, but trusted his judgment.

It became an emotional affair, though he swears there was no sex. He says he felt no physical attraction to her.

My parents did not only keep me distant, but I also became depressed.

He abruptly ended contact with her. We’re slowly recovering, and I've forgiven him. However, he says he’ll never forgive himself and that he doesn't want me to be with someone like him.

He keeps saying that he's thinking of leaving me because of what he did. I don't know what to say to him.

I think he wants to punish himself, but I told him that we couldn’t fix our problems apart. How can I get through to him?

Forgiven but Not Fixed

It’s the background drama of your parents’ restrictions on you two that’s made this situation become so intense.

But this episode has proven his worth and decent character. He was open about the friendship with her, and ended it when he realized it could come between you.

He needs to hear more than forgiveness from you. It’s time to make more definite plans, and to tell your parents that you love them and want to stay close to them, but can only do so if they accept your relationship.

If you don’t show – and feel - this determination, their keeping you apart will wear one or both of you down.

My first wife died in her mid-40s after a long illness. We had four sons and I worked 16-hour-days for seven years to keep the family together.

When she got sick the boys were all under 16. She had half a dozen major surgeries over four years. When she passed away our youngest was only 13.

A month later, the wife of a work colleague said she needed to talk to me. She said her husband had had mumps in his teens, and became totally impotent at 34. She needed a sex partner.

Six months later, I re-married, still am. The married woman and I remained an item for 20 years. On the day before our 20th “anniversary,” I called to ask if we could get together.

Her response: "No, thank you, it’s over, goodbye.” She hung up.

True Story 

Here’s my commentary: Your story’s sad. You cheated on a new wife for 20 years but you’re unclear about why, especially since the sexual liaison was fairly new.

I wonder if the tough period through your first wife’s illness made you feel you were a rescuer, or that you deserved the variety.

However, you betrayed your current wife and willingly participated in your lover’s husband’s diminishment in their relationship.

If you had a point to make here, write back and please let me and my readers know what it is.

FEEDBACK Regarding losing a “forever” marriage  (Sept. 30):

Reader – “I lost my marriage after ten years. I was very sad, and also scared to live alone and deal with a mortgage.

“My coping approach was to allow time with myself daily to grieve. For me, this involved walking at dawn so I could cry.

“Regular grieving enabled me to cope with my work day and my commitments, as well as avoid over-burdening my friends.

“I took care of myself - lost weight, revamped my wardrobe, gardened, read books, and wrote my feelings and thoughts in a journal.

“Now, 11 years later, I understand why my marriage no longer worked.

“I’ve had a long-term relationship recently end, and it’s okay because I’m solid in my own strength and life path.

“I know what type of partner will be suitable for a next commitment.

“Meantime, I’m competent to live on my own, enjoy my own company and friends.