I’ve fallen in love with a married man during a one-year affair.
We have a great time together (though not much time for me). I’ve never felt this connected to someone... and the sex is incredible.
I’ve told him I love him; he’s never said it back. Our relationship is secret - though the way his wife checks up on him, no wonder he wants to be with me!
Our bigger social circle includes his wife – they’d be shocked to know about us.
I want to spend my life with him. I’m thinking of telling his wife, so she’ll kick him out - into my arms!!
I feel badly about the effect on his kids but he must be miserable, and life is too short!
- What To Do?
I wish I could be deceptively clever and advise you to call his wife… but only because it’ll end your foolish dreaming sooner! What would really follow is this: she’ll yank him back, he’ll give up the woman he doesn’t say he loves –YOU - because he prefers his home comforts.
She’s either been through this before or knows he’s someone to suspect; that’s why she checks so often. But NO, you should NOT call his wife as it’s too cruel and she’s done nothing to you half so bad as what you and he are doing to her. Moreover, he’ll hate you for it.
So, as you carry on your fantasy “connection,” plan how you’ll spend Christmas without him, think of a gift he can’t show anyone, ignore your chances for meeting wonderful, unattached men who are too decent to lie and cheat… and wait for it all to blow up one day.
I’m the only sibling living in the same city as my mother, who’s 70+, incredibly difficult, critical of everything my spouse and I do, and of her grandchildren. None of us want to have any relationship with her.
She lives alone, doesn’t drive and has ostracized other family.
My out-of-town siblings visit her once every 2-3 years, but call her regularly. She cannot travel much to see them.
My relationship with my siblings has also deteriorated - two are alcoholics, the third is bi-polar. I suffer from extreme anxiety and depression.
My siblings blame me for the rifts, and problems with my mother. I’ve had enough of being the scapegoat. Things are falling apart and family events have become a living hell.
Should I just cut off all contact with these people and my mother, even though it’s a painful choice?
- Wit’s End
It’s more than painful to cut off an aging parent who’ll need your help; it’s immoral, and in your case, likely to cause you even greater anxiety. You already know you can’t please her, so don’t wait for gratitude or praise. Just do the right thing.
Try to arrange for homemaker visits and other help needed through a social services agency, so you don’t have to be the only person relied on.
Set an example for your children, that you are not like your siblings and stay at bay or wallow in family rifts; some day you may be the aging (perhaps even difficult) parent who needs their help.
Dismiss the scapegoat label internally, with the knowledge that alcoholism and mental health issues are at play.
When family events are unavoidable, drop in and out at your own comfort level. Example: Bring the dessert, greet everyone, and leave before the heavy discussions get going.
My parents offered a young woman who babysat me, a job in their family business; we all got along great.
When I got engaged, I chose her as maid of honour, though she’d become a complainer.
She asked my fiancé to renovate her basement… then paid him half the going rate.
He disallowed her from being at our wedding, and she badmouthed me.
I resent her, and want to write a letter saying she’s become a mean, bitter person.
- Need Closure
When you send a nasty letter or email, you don’t get “closure”… instead, you get a document that can be circulated, used against you, and which can haunt you for years.
Have no contact with this woman, and get past your resentment since the relationship with her is over. Your fiancé hopefully learned to get an agreement to a job rate in writing. You learned that not every acquaintance is a true friend.
Tip of the day:
When a married lover doesn’t speak of love, face reality instead of dreams.