My wife’s appearance has gone dramatically downhill over the last year; we’ve been married 12 years and have two small children. 

This has completely devastated our intimacy.  I can’t even kiss her without my stomach turning; her appearance is so shocking now.  So sex is out of the question - I just can’t be that close to her without feeling ill.   

People stare at her when we’re in public. These were dramatic physical changes, not something that can be fixed with a makeover. 

Our relationship is pretty ordinary otherwise, and she’s healthy apart from this. I want to be supportive to her and the kids, but a future with no physical intimacy is frankly terrifying.  

What in the world do I do?

- Turned Off

The less-about-me, what’s-happening-to-you response should’ve already taken place… you’ve had a year to talk to her about what’s going on, see a doctor with her, discuss possible underlying depression with a counsellor and your wife. Yet you give no indication that you have a clue about these changes. 

Meanwhile, unless she swallowed some potion that alters all features and form, this is still your wife and she’s crying out for help - silently, but in your face. You don’t even describe her physical changes, which shows no interest or insight, beyond how it all affects YOU. 

And, if you think your children don’t sense your withdrawal, too, you’re wrong. Your children’s sense of security is being affected by the cold divide in the household. 

Frankly, you’d do her a favour by helping her get to the root of her problem, so she can have the confidence to leave you. 

I’m 38, married eight years with a daughter, 7, and cannot feel love for my husband We keep fighting and have silence, for years. 

Recently, I was laid off, and was accepted into a master’s degree program in another city. He yelled at me, calling me selfish though I’d delayed furthering my education to pay off the mortgage. 

Now, he has enough income to support the family. My in-laws can help take care of our daughter and I can communicate with her through the Internet. It’s only 2 hours away, and I can easily come home. 

Why is a woman who desires to do more for her career, blamed as selfish and not caring about the family? 

I want to be settled by 40. 

Can a married woman leave her family to pursue what she wants? 

- Butterfly

There’s more to this story… more to his anger, to your willingness to live away, more to why you can’t love him and why he calls you selfish. 

In happy, co-operative marriages, husband and wife both can sometimes pursue new interests, further education, and periods of being away for a purpose. BUT, these decisions are made through discussion, weighing the needs of everyone in the family, and compromises on all sides. 

In your case, your ambitions are laudable but your arbitrary decisions aren’t helpful. Besides, he feels you’re distancing, and neither of you are dealing with it. 

It’s the marriage that’s the issue, not the rights of women.

My husband’s a happy social drinker; if we’re having a big night out at a party, he wants stay till the end. I get tired a lot sooner. We always end up fighting on these occasions. 

- Opposites

Make a Big Night deal; he gets to stay, you go home when you choose. 

Arrange ahead for lifts, cabs or public transport, since neither of you should drive. 

Enjoy the morning reunions. 

My husband of 23 years is a hoarder; his stuff takes up the whole basement and is growing into the garage. He gets very angry if told to throw some out.  

He’s seeing a psychologist, taking anti-depressants, but doesn’t see his useless collection as a problem. 

Hoarding is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and often gets worse with age. 

How do I get it addressed? 

- Buried Alive

Though you’re terribly stressed, he’s the one with the deeply rooted OCD-like disorder, so he can’t see it as objectively as you do. 

Show interest and caring about his counselling; an experienced therapist will soon recognize the hoarding pattern. Be prepared that it can take a long time to effect changes in this behaviour. 

Meanwhile, there’s potential for fire and safety hazards, so ask your fire department inspectors to check the storage areas. That’ll get some of the stuff dumped, through their demands, not yours.