I divorced five-plus years ago and was dating someone for over four years. I thought she was my soul mate forever.
Last September I noticed that she was hiding her phone from me, though we were used to looking at each other’s phones for scheduling things.
Next, I was blocked from her Instagram. She’d always been bothered that long-time female friends of mine (platonic) would "like" my pictures.
We went from talking multiple times daily to barely keeping in contact once or twice.
Then in December, I caught a quick glimpse of her locked phone, which revealed a 10pm message from a former high-school friend, saying "My son is feeling better, etc. Goodnight xox."
She was cheating on me, for months, with a MARRIED man.
I broke up with her. How could someone whom I loved and trusted totally, betray me like this and how can I get over it?
Just having a son didn’t mean the man was married…. so either you discovered more information about her relationship with him, OR you found other messages that made it clear he’s married.
Or, perhaps you leapt to this conclusion. Just as she leapt to believing your contact with longtime women friends was suspect.
After four years, this relationship still wasn’t solid. Was it all her fault? Did you contribute to what went wrong? Did you both move too deeply too fast?
These are the questions you need to ask yourself.
If you hope to love again and find a partner you CAN trust, see a therapist for a process of probing how this happened, and what you need to do to move on.
My 28-year-old son has been dating his current girlfriend for two-plus years. She and her young son were welcomed into our family.
Then, last September, all communication and visits stopped.
Repeated questions to my son went unanswered. For months I reached out to his girlfriend but was ignored.
My son then informed me to stop trying to communicate with her. He spent Christmas with her family, ignoring his older brother and me.
Recently, I accidentally ran into his girlfriend who said that I’d bad-mouthed her mother and that my son’s "friends" told her I’d ridiculed and disliked her.
None of it was true. I asked for specifics to defend myself. She just spewed hurtful words. My son’s response was for neither of us to message each other!
Where’s his backbone to rectify the situation? I’m being accused of something I never did, and my family’s torn apart!
I’m now only contacted when he needs money. Otherwise I never hear or see him. His “friends” claim they also haven’t had contact with him.
How can I mend this and reunite my family?
Stunned and Sorrowful
Some person(s) spread this gossip about your ridiculing his girlfriend and badmouthing her mother.
You may never learn whom, but the desire was to create a huge divide.
It won’t be easy to “prove” you’re innocence. Instead, find a way to send an “apology” for “whatever it was that caused this.”
Express your previous warm feelings for her and her child. Say that you hope things between you can be improved in the future.
Then, back off. When your son asks for money, don’t chastise him for weakness, there’s more going on that’s known here, and too much at stake.
If his financial requests become unaffordable, say so. If necessary, cut him off. It may be the only way you learn the truth of this situation.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose husband of 30 years says he was “coerced” to marry her (Feb, 28):
Reader – “They’re still in love at 65? Sure doesn't sound like it. All this woman can complain about is her husband’s grousing about the marriage she forced on him? To be so lucky!
“She sounds ungrateful/immature, wanting to throw the ring away, or divorce and still live together.
“Besides, she was right to ask for a marriage if only for her future financial benefit. Where I live, common-law union doesn’t entitle the live-in partner to the other partner's pension plan. I've had several friends be shocked when the partner ended things and they were left high and dry.”
Ellie – This woman’s longstanding hurt feelings came from her husband’s complaint (not always joking) about her wanting the marriage.
It’s sad (not immature) that she’s carried this feeling so long when their marriage has actually survived well.
Tip of the day:
Sudden distancing isn’t always explained or understood. Moving on becomes essential.