I have been with my husband for 50 years. There’s a lot of friendship and love between us.... but for 30 of those 50 years the issue of keeping the house tidy has often become a river separating us. He deals with a disease that leaves him exhausted. I fluctuate between thinking the house is my problem; the condition of the house doesn’t bother him (he has told me this) and so I do what I think is necessary until the resentment boils up inside of me and I get nasty. Or I try to show my appreciation for things he does, like laundry, small repairs, cooking meals, grocery shopping.

I am overwhelmed with all the day-to-day stuff.  I ask that he just try to do a few things a day like putting his dishes in the dishwasher, or putting his dirty laundry in the basket, etc.  When I try heart-to-heart chats, I find  we each have our own reality and get frustrated with the other. I don’t like “parenting” him, telling him to pick up his clothes, rinse out the bathroom sink after he uses it, but sadly this works the best.

I also realize that because of his disability he only has so much energy, and I’m asking him to use some of it towards things he doesn’t care about. But don't we all have to do that?

In the past few years, both of our health has deteriorated, so I now have a housekeeper once a week.  The house looks great for that day.  The next day the clothes that he’s shoved in the closet are all over the bedroom, the dishes are left on the kitchen counter.

But when I’m having a bad day, he manages to pull himself up and his kindness and thoughtfulness overwhelm me. I know that if I could just let my house stay untidy, we would both be a lot happier......but that makes me resentful.  I know that after all these years, I’m not going to change him and he’s not going to change me. But I can’t stop trying! I try to walk in gratitude for all that we have but it only works for a bit.  Any suggestions?

The Anal One

Fifty years is a very long time to live with someone, and I commend you both for lasting this long. It does sound as though he does a lot for someone with a disability, even though everything he does is “normal” day-to-day activity. Prior to slowing down yourself, you seemed to be superwoman, managing all the everyday tasks with aplomb.

You mentioned half a century of friendship and love between you, and that’s not something found easily. I’d love for you to spend the rest of your lives with that same affection. So, sit down together and create a plan. You mentioned a second bedroom; why not give him that room for all his stuff? If he wants to leave everything on the floor, let him. Make a schedule so he knows where to put his energy. For example, Monday he can grocery shop and put away the dishes; Tuesday he can do the laundry; Wednesday he can have the day off to rest. Whatever works for BOTH OF YOU.

I’m not asking you to live in filth, but he’s clearly debilitated, so lower your expectations. And if need be, get a cleaning lady twice a week. If money is a problem, then explain that to him. But you two need to work together to live in peace and harmony and enjoy this time of your lives.

Life is hard enough without having to fight with your spouse over dishes.

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