I’m divorcing my husband of 25 years. Despite my bad communication and his infidelities, I miss him.

He’s been involved with a four-times divorced colleague and is living with her, I think. She was married when I became aware of their affair in 2009. I talked to her husband after they divorced. He said they met when she was married to her third husband and now she did the same to him.

I decided to separate in 2011 when I found a very sexual love letter to my husband in his pocket. I’ve not become involved with anybody and don't think I’ll ever be ready to date again.

This is my second marriage and obviously second failure at it. I’ve been reflecting on my personality with people close to me and frankly, I'm not very good at face-to-face conversation.
It's hard for me to move on. We have grown sons living their own lives. I’m stuck with all the memories, good and bad, and wonder if my husband ever thinks about me in a good light.

If I was such a burden to him, why didn't he file for divorce first?  

Torn in Illinois

In order to move on - not just for dating but also to have a full and satisfying life - reflection is good. But seeing yourself as a “failure” at marriage and “a burden,” is self-defeating.

Two things that you already understand correctly, can free you from being “stuck.”

Your husband cheated repeatedly. You accepted it for a long time but then stopped. That’s not failing; it’s taking charge of your own life.

You’re a poor communicator in person. That generally signifies fear of confrontation, which likely has deep roots in your past. You can change this trait through good counselling and learning new ways to handle conversations and face-to-face discussions.

You have a future ahead that can include new opportunities for good times and companionship, with friends, grown children, grandchildren…. and even men to date. Start working on it.

A Reader’s Commentary – “I’m a divorced male, 50, who’s been on 50 online dates of which 45 were one-date wonders.

“Watching myself and five friends get separated over ten years, I’ve seen some trends:

“Men never want their bride to change and women always want their husband to change. Reality: You may get him to pick up his socks or lower the toilet seat, but it ends there.

“Women, on the other hand, did things to attract their man (only) prior to marriage. They were affectionate, dressed sexy, were playful, had wild sex, and then stopped, especially when kids come along.

“The husbands don’t love their wives less, but they don’t pay the same attention. Suddenly, some strange guy tells the wife she looks good and it’s over, her mind is on the new Mr. Right.

“The ladies run off with the new guy thinking they’re heading for a better life. A few years later, they realize they should’ve stayed with their husband, especially when he moves on, or Mr. Right dumps them.

“Best thing a couple can do to stay married and happy is make sure they have regular dates. Those who play together, stay together.

“Wish me luck on the one winner out of 50 contestants.”

Trying Hard

You’re relying on stale, fixed ideas. Some married people change, face new circumstances differently. It’s specific to each couple, not a pat formula. Same with dating. You need an open mind, even on 50 different dates.

FEEDBACK Regarding the female university student who tried to stay a loyal friend to two sisters, but their partying, drinking, and promiscuous behavior affected her own reputation (Oct. 8):
Reader – “I have a similar story. I became close friends with someone who supported me through a challenging time in my life. We partied together and during that time I thought she was the greatest friend.

“I heard from others that she wasn't the most respected person, but I ignored them in favor of my needs. However, the friendship became one big drama-fest, which started to interfere with my happiness.

“I had to create boundaries with her and drop the friendship as it was affecting my sanity.
“This person doesn’t owe the sisters anything. They create their own drama and suck you into it. You've outgrown their partying ways and can grow and move onto something better. Good luck.”