I'm in love with a woman who's leaving her husband for me. We met at the gym, she looked unhappy, and we started talking. She said their marriage was a mistake, she'd been very depressed, but with my help she had the strength to start a new life with me. I worry that if she can leave him, she can do it again and leave me. How will I trust her?

Uncertain Future

You're onto the reality check that you might've thought of when you began an affair with a married woman.

While it does happen, sometimes, that the person "used" as the escape route from an unhappy marriage becomes the longtime, truelove partner, it's more common that such "transitional relationships" do not last.

Will she cheat again? Unknown. What IS certain is her capacity to find a way to move on when she chooses.

Hopefully you know her true story - whether she tried couples' counseling, worked at her marriage, gave it a decent chance. So hopefully, you also know her character. However, your doubts about her suggest you should now take this "new" relationship slowly.

My parents live several hours away with no children in the same city. Recently, my father went to the hospital for major surgery, and my mother isn't well.

However, when my brother and I take time off from work to help her, she's mostly yelling... about the past, her annoyances from Dad, things we can't immediately change.
It's hard to be around her or help her. I've told her that when she starts yelling, I'm going outside until she's calmer. I've already punched and scratched myself because I was so frustrated.

To be yelled at for hours straight is difficult physically and emotionally. She then claims unfairness, and that I shouldn't put conditions on my helping.

I'm willing to take a month or two off work and lose money (I'm self-employed) to be around because she has physical trouble bending, and can't drive. But I can't deal with her yelling non-stop, saying it's her house so we have to listen to her!

We're concerned for both parents. If I could stay at a friend's house, I would, but I can't afford a hotel this long.
I know she'll refuse counseling. I'm also worried that her constant nagging and yelling will affect my dad's condition.
What's the best way to make this tolerable for all of us?
No New Tricks

Punching and scratching yourself is a dangerous signal that the next "unwell" person could be you - suffering an emotional breakdown. So, take a break from this dynamic any way you can. Go home for a few days while your brother stays, or spend on that hotel stay for a weekend off duty. You may even ask at the hospital if there's any provision of direction to family counseling, starting with yourself.

Next, approach your mother on her health front. Show concern for the effect on her of sudden change and terrifying anxiety (likely why she's yelling, as a cry for help while she's feeling helpless).

Insist that she get a health check to maintain herself physically, and then ask her doctor (or your father's doctor) to recommend a hospital social worker or counselor who can help her make clear plans for the future regarding her own, and your father's, care.

When the situation re-focuses on your parents' future, the yelling will either lessen, or you'll eventually have to leave, for self-protection. (You and your brother could jointly pay for her to have help.)

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman "stuck" with a husband of 40 years who's reclusive, moody, and critical (March 9):

Reader - "My life's a duplicate in so many ways. I, too, exist in a state of anger and frustration, and have done so for most of the marriage. I'm tired, and the situation's getting worse. Also, there's the loneliness of not having a confidant who can identify and understand.
"I'm now overwhelmed with regret, and still can not make a move. Maybe "Stuck" and I can help each other out."

Due to confidentiality, I cannot pass this on directly to the first writer. However, knowing there are others with similar situations should encourage you to assess your own resources, draw on some new ones - friends, neighbours, etc. - to create a place in your world that gives you pleasure. Get out of the house, "unstuck" from routines, and get involved in activities/people you enjoy."