I'm engaged to a woman I love, but whose mother is already so intrusive that I'm very worried about our future. We're both mid-30s, both work, and plan to buy a small house together, which we can manage on our own finances.

But my future mother-in-law pushes her opinions on our every decision - which neighbourhood we'll move to, which style house, how we'll furnish it, etc. She's even pressuring for a larger house with a basement apartment that we can eventually have her and her husband live in!

My fiancée's a strong-minded woman at work, and socially, but not with her mother who relentlessly campaigns for her own way. She's convinced her daughter that it's a good idea that we rent out a basement apartment, so then, when we have kids, her parents can move in and babysit.

I believe that'll be the end of our independence and happiness. Do I just cancel the wedding now, or give her an ultimatum of no MIL in our home, or no marriage.

Fearing the Future

Delay the wedding long enough to get pre-marital counselling together, and start agreeing to some limits on her mother's involvement in your married life.

You're correct to be worried ahead. If your fiancée caves now to her mom's every suggestion, it'll get worse later when your MIL already has a foot in your door and a busy young wife (and later young mother) finds "free" help irresistible, despite the emotional cost.

If you don't agree on the pitfalls now, and learn strategies to manage her mother without each confrontation dividing you two, the script is already written for major fights, and perhaps even a separation.

Tell your fiancée you love her and still wish to marry her, but to preserve that love, you two need to acknowledge and face this problem now.

My husband cheated on me three years ago when I was pregnant with our twins. I was huge and uncomfortable so sex wasn't possible or of interest to me. But I was hurt and angry that I went through so much to start our family, and he just fooled around.

I can't get past this. He's apologized, said he was wrong and immature, scared of all that was going on. But doesn't that mean that any stress can be an excuse to cheat again?

Unforgiving

While it's hard to forgive and forget, consider your options: 1) A divided union with anger and coldness on your part, which practically makes for a self-fulfilling prophecy on his cheating; 2) a break-up; 3) an attempt to work together on getting past this.

He's moved in the right direction with an apology and recognition of his own immaturity. Take it to the next step, by airing out those feelings you both had during the pregnancy.

You, overwhelmed by the physical and emotional impact of carrying twins, felt abandoned by the man whose children you were carrying. He, facing huge responsibilities ahead and without the intimacy he needed for reassurance, also felt abandoned.

If you can both appreciate each other's hurts and fears of that time, you should be able to start re-connecting. You both need to work on intimacy together now - and that includes sharing your concerns and confidences, as well as cuddling and comforting each other.

Also, since he knows he was wrong, he's unlikely to be fooling around now. Make sure he was tested for STD's, and then get back to the bonding that comes from making love together.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman annoyed that after six dates and sex, the man ignored her on Valentine's Day (March 9):

Reader - "I'm a woman who asks, why can't the woman be proactive and call a week in advance saying she expects the two of them to do something on Valentine's Day?

"She could've taken the initiative rather than sitting back, waiting until disappointed, then griping and complaining about him not contacting her. If he'd said he wouldn't celebrate Valentine's Day, doesn't she have friends or family that she can celebrate the day with? Women need to be more proactive in relationships."

Ellie - You've raised worthy support for resisting the old-fashioned concepts of male initiatives and female submission, just because of sentimentality about Valentine's Day.

But female empowerment also must allow for individual tastes and desires. "Annoyed" clearly needed some signal that six dates-plus-sex meant he cared for her enough to mark a romantic occasion.