Dear Readers: A divorced dad of grown children ages 21 and 18 recently wrote that he was bothered by their refusal to call him Dad, though they live with and get along well with him. I responded that since their mother was remarried and they were also close with her, they'd likely found that using his first name or Sir, avoided loyalty issues and competition between this Dad and their Step-Dad.
Many of you had strong feelings on this issue. Here's a selection of some of your answers:
* What has likely happened is that the children have been made to feel guilty for calling their father "dad", and perhaps have even been alienated from their father somewhat. Some parents work long and hard to alienate kids from the other parent.
- Well-read on This Topic
Ellie: You raise an important possibility. Though the original letter from Dad didn't mention this kind of tension with his ex, Dad or "Sir" may have missed it. You obviously speak from experience so thanks for sharing.
* The term "Dad" should be reserved for one person in the world; it doesn't have to be your biological dad, but shouldn't be withdrawn because of a step-dad's discomfort. If children have such issues with their fathers, try to address them. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, but can see that it would be continuously hurtful.
- Faithful Fan
Ellie: I agree that communication about issues is important. So is not making a big deal out of what may be a passing phase.
*I disagree with you vehemently. My son has one father: Me. He acknowledges that his mother has a new partner, and refers to him as such. Furthermore, he calls his mother's partner by his name (which is NOT "Dad"). You should be ashamed of yourself.
-My Name Is Dad
Ellie: I'm never ashamed of trying to understand young people's hurts and confusions, and giving them some space to work out their inner conflicts. But I accept your point that, where there's a clear line drawn - as in your case - that can work best. This is especially so with younger children.
* I wonder would you be that quick to diminish a mother from being called Mom, in similar circumstances. I doubt it.
- Separated Dad
Ellie: You're not the only one to make this point, so let me be clear - I answer each writer, yourself included, according to the specific situation. This Dad was dealing with older kids; they were living comfortably with him, and there were no other apparent problems between them. I've known young adults in non-divorced homes, who starting using first names for their Mom and Dad for awhile, because they found it cool, sophisticated, or novel. If a Mom ever writes me about this topic, I'll address her particular situation
with its own details.
*I'm a single father with no financial or real help from my ex. The only thing your advice had right was that "divorce happens to children too." Sometimes parents must make decisions based on what's best for the family, not just for themselves. Your response makes it seem like "dad" is an honourary term. That man is their Dad, it is a fact not a concept or a theory. Being a dad is having responsibility without reward or acknowledgement in today's society. The court system is totally stacked against father's. I was the only dad out of 87 cases the day mine was finalized, who was fortunate enough to gain custody of my children. I had to watch grown men cry and be torn from their children. The man in your column has EARNED his children's respect. He is DAD until he forfeits that title by being a poor parent. MOST of us take our responsibility very seriously.
-Luckiest Dad on Earth
Ellie: I give you the last word. And I hope that the Dad who wrote me can take heart and confidence from you.
I now wish to add an extra word of advice to him, and my appreciation to all who wrote me with added perspectives: He should tell his children that he's their only Dad; and as such, he needs to hear if they're being influenced inappropriately; that he's open to discussing any problems they have. And so long as he's honouring them by fulfilling his role as Dad, they should honour him with his true name.