My ex-girlfriend’s coming to town on business and wants to see me. However, she was my lover in an affair during my marriage. I ended the affair four years ago, and cut all contact.  
      She lives in another city where I used to travel frequently for work; but she was starting to want more time together, and I realized how risky the affair was becoming. So I gave that business account to a colleague and stopped traveling there.  
      I love my wife and two children … I guess I’d been experiencing the “seven-year itch.” Now, my former lover has announced she’ll be here for a month, and I’m terrified that I won’t be able to resist getting involved again.  
      How can I insist we only meet as “old friends” when she knows how easily I might succumb to our former relationship?
      - Agitated

Get a grip. Tell her well before she arrives that you will NOT see her at all. You’ve both managed four years apart. Focus on your self-control and your relationship with your wife and kids.  
      Seeing this ex could be riskier than ever … as she just might contact your wife. She hasn’t yet, because you stayed distant from her. Even one episode of “succumbing” to her again will reveal your vulnerability to starting up again. If she’s still available and interested, she may go after you aggressively.  
      Write her (not email, which can be altered) a short, clear statement that you will be too busy to see her. Then make sure you’re busy, even if you have to leave town yourself.

I’ve tried to teach my daughter, 5, the value of doing what’s asked, through a “reward” system, using pink-heart stickers. When she achieves an even dozen, we do something very special, like go to the zoo. But whenever she reaches #9, she almost has a tantrum. Is something wrong with her?
      - Disturbed Mom

Too much pressure. Children need to taste success in order to understand it. Reward systems can work with some, but adjustments are needed for each child. Your daughter might do well at reaching level #5, and having a small treat, instead of waiting so long for a big outing.

My husband came to our marriage several years ago with an urn containing his grandmother’s ashes. She was a wonderful woman who’d raised him and though she’d asked to have them scattered in her birthplace, he kept them on our mantel.  
      Now, my mother has passed. She’d asked in her will for her ashes to be taken to a river near where she used to spend her summers. I, too, have the ashes on our mantel.  
      Both of us hate to let them go, as we feel connected to people we loved so much. Are we wrong not to follow their last wishes?
      - Uncertain

People who leave specific instructions about where to dispose of their ashes had strong intentions and expected their wishes to be carried out. There’s possibly even a legal obligation on your parts to do so. Yet, unless there’s a family dispute over the ashes, it’s unlikely anyone would challenge you.  
      Moreover, both Hubby and you are expressing emotional attachments that honour the memories of these loved ones. No doubt they’d have been pleased to leave that legacy of love.  
      Do what’s in your hearts. If you still keep the ashes, then repeat the original instructions for their dispersal in your own wills and hope the next generation follows them.

My daughter, 29, is always borrowing my car; I understand when she needs it for bringing heavy files and stuff to the office. However, whenever she hears or realizes that I’m not using my car, she comes over, expecting to take it.
      She pays for her own gas, but that doesn’t cover any of the other expenses of owning a car. I’m feeling resentful. But am I just being selfish if don’t need to drive anywhere that day? I fear damaging our relationship, which is pretty good.
      - Annoyed

What’s “pretty good” about feeling afraid to challenge an adult child’s demands? It’s YOUR car, your expenses. If you can use it less, offer to share the carrying costs –including insurance, registration, repairs, depreciation, etc.    
      If she balks, suggest she pay an affordable daily-use fee; several car-share companies are in operation, and you can get a sense of the costs through checking with them.