More remaining questions from the popular live chat “No Sex” of February 4:
My husband of 17 years has had smelly feet from the day we met, and he’s done nothing to correct this.
I was too busy with having kids and working to make a fuss, but now, as my hormones are changing direction, my sense of smell is more acute.
I cannot stand to be in bed with him. So naturally, there’s very little sex.
I’ve told him why and he’s still done nothing about his feet. I can’t imagine living like this indefinitely, but also can’t understand why he’d give up sex rather than see a doctor about his smelly feet.
I’m thinking of seeking sex elsewhere.
It’s medically called bromodosis (yes, it means smelly feet).
Since it’s been pretty much ignored and accepted by you for years, it’s hard for him to “get” how off-putting from being intimate that the odour’s become.
So gently explain your heightened sense of smell to him.
Then, both of you need to get informed. Fact: feet have more sweat glands than any other part of the body.
Many things can increase the effect of all that sweat. If his socks aren’t of a natural fiber, they may be retaining the dampness and the smell.
So, too, can standing on his feet in closed shoes all day, so open-toed sandals worn with socks would help. When home, washing his feet with anti-fungal soap and going barefoot can erase the odour.
If he’s very overweight, bathes infrequently, or doesn’t use soap, these can add to the problem.
If nothing’s obvious, insist he get a medical check for hyperhidrosis, a condition of unusually excessive sweating.
If he still does nothing, tell him you’re considering taking a lover because he’d rather be smelly than sexy.
And if any of that makes sense to either of you, it’s the relationship that stinks.
My husband and I have only been married for 18 months but everything’s different from before.
I met him through my work – he’s a legal client of mine, and a very smart businessman.
But right after our honeymoon, he seemed to resent how long my hours can be though I’ve explained that’s how it is when you’re trying to become a partner in a law firm.
He’s moody when I do get home, and if I try to get him interested in making love to appease him, he acts annoyed and disinterested.
Recently, when I tried to discuss what’s going on, he yelled at me and raised his hand as if to slap me, then walked away.
I’m wondering if I need counselling to find out what I’m doing wrong.
Do NOT blame yourself. You must never believe or accept that being slapped or threatened physically is deserved.
He’s needier of attention than you may’ve realized, and his resentment of your work hours reveals a jealous nature.
It’s a serious red flag, since moodiness and jealousy – plus any past history or experience with violent outbursts – add fuel to fury.
So long as you’re not a workaholic who’s never available to him – no marriage does well with that – then try to find some couple time and see if that improves things.
If not, consider whether you’re with the right man for a life partner.
BUT if he shows any more attempts to frighten or threaten you, read him the law on domestic violence, and make a safe legal plan to leave him.
I’m 32, had my first baby six months ago, and can’t lose the extra 50 pounds. I hate seeing myself in the mirror or my husband seeing me undressed.
He says I’ll eventually get my old figure back, but it only makes me realize he now sees me as fat.
I keep avoiding being in bed together at night, so I rock the baby for hours.
For your baby’s sake, as well as your own, see your doctor soon.
Some of the pregnancy weight gain will drop naturally through normal new-mom activity and through healthy nutrition.
Renewing the bond with your husband, through intimacy and sexual release, also improves self-image.
However, if you’re also feeling depressed, talk to your doctor immediately.
Post-partum depression is related to hormone changes before and after giving birth. You need to deal with it quickly so it doesn’t interfere with your baby care or personal well being.
Tip of the day:
A sexual standoff over smelly feet reflects a relationship gone sour.