I'm 31, with two children from my last marriage (living with their mother, I see them frequently).
My new wife is 32, with two children who live with us.
We’d spoken about having more children together before we married, but I’d maintained that I was “done with the baby stage,” and couldn’t see myself having more kids.
She’s said the same, with less conviction.
I’ve even had a vasectomy last spring, with her consent.
Now my wife’s consumed with this. She must have a child with me and feels I misled her about how difficult it was to reverse a vasectomy. She’s now said she cannot think of me as a man since I won’t have a child with her (we’ve not made love in over a month). She says I'm being selfish.
I don’t understand why it is that my feelings are “wrong” and hers are “right.”
She claims I’m not committed to her, that she’ll divorce over this.
I feel I’m being blackmailed. Why am I accused of wanting her to raise my children, when I actually spend more time, energy and money raising hers?
I’m willing to go to counselling, but only if she keeps her mind open to the possibility that we may not have children together.
- Beyond Frustrated
This is a Power Play Extraordinaire - the only way to stay together is for one person to give in. Yet each of you seems to think that’s the worst possible solution, like losing not only the battle but all that that you believe in.
You need couples’ counselling NOW, before you divorce just for spite, or bring a child into a home of tension and resentment.
I suspect there are other issues here – e.g. your wife’s attitude to your own kids and your commitment to them, how much of your income goes to child support etc. These and any other “back story” matters need to be aired out with the guidance of a professional therapist who’ll help you both understand why you’ve gone to war over one area of disagreement.
After all, her withholding sex because you won’t get her pregnant pretty well sums up how self-defeating this fight has become, and how it’s about more than producing a shared baby out of your “happiness” together.
Several years ago my husband of 25 years had an affair, convinced me to forgive and not divorce him, and said he’d severed all ties with the woman.
Recently I discovered e-mails on his computer and I contacted the woman – she said he’s also been phoning her all these years.
I again asked him for a divorce, but he begged me to stay and says he won’t contact her in any way ever again.
Do you think I’m crazy to even think that he can be trusted?
We have one son still living at home and we recently lost a son.
- Still Love Him
You’re not crazy, you’re trying to make sense of what he’s been doing with this other woman when he’s so determined to stay married to you.
You need to talk to him and get real answers, before you decide whether to leave him. Let him know that it’s that close a choice – yes, you love him; no, you won’t take this another time.
And let him know you mean it, by seeing a lawyer to learn your rights.
Tell him you love him, but this is his last chance.
A friend has given shelter to a homeless, ill lady who’s knocked on her door – she’s provided a room, food, and money. But she knows nothing about this old lady who speaks in a foreign language. They communicate in gestures and broken English.
She says all her family were killed in a coup or something, and refuses to see a doctor.
My friend’s family is at their wit’s end.
Would they be in trouble if they went to the police or social services?
Your friend’s generosity is unfortunately misguided because she’s not really able to help the woman with her illness or settle her in a permanent, secure way.
The family should contact social services, whereby an interpreter will uncover the woman’s story.
Your friend can still stay in touch with the woman, offer some donated items if needed, visit her and advocate that her basic needs are met.
Tip of the day:
When battle lines are drawn down the marital bed, the fight isn’t about love and babies.