I am very close with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and their kids. They are the best people, so fun, so smart and amazing family. We spend all our holidays together, and the kids are always at each other’s homes.

They make me laugh all the time and I love them so much. My issue however is their personal hygiene. They just have an odour about them that emanates from their hair, their clothing and even their car. It’s a stale “we haven’t showered in days” kind of smell. It makes me gag.

How do I tell them that they need to shower and wash their clothing more often? It’s offensive.

Smelly Relatives

I don’t think there’s any way you can do that kindly. Especially if it’s across the board a family thing. Maybe when one of the kids sleeps over, you could wash their clothes and send them home smelling fresh.

The other possible issue is that you could have a private conversation with your sister-in-law, suggest she use a different shampoo and give one to her. You could buy her nice smelling lotions and potions for any next gift-giving occasion, and you could do the same for your brother-in-law. That includes those fragrant reed diffusers for home and bathroom.

I once had a very pungent roommate whom I didn’t know. I bought her some nice smelling lotion as a housewarming and put air fresheners in all the common rooms. She seemed to get less odorific.

My oldest daughter has been with this man for over 13 years, married for nine. They have no children, thankfully. As it turns out he says he identifies as queer and has even posted ads looking for others like him. Apparently, his family doesn’t know that he is queer; I’m not sure why he hasn’t shared with them. He has a multitude of mental illnesses, is a narcissist (although he denies it, stating he has borderline personality disorder), and he hasn’t worked for almost a year. He has repeatedly mentioned being a kept man. He treats my daughter terribly, does nothing to help her and I can no longer accept him or be around him.

My daughter is the sweetest, kindest, most selfless person I know whose occupation is to help others, but she can’t help herself. Because of him, our relationship is destroyed and beyond repair. If he is queer, then be queer! But not married to my daughter, robbing her of her dreams and hiding behind the sham of a marriage.

Am I wrong?

Mummy Dearest

It’s not about being right or wrong. As Dr. Phil so famously asks, “Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy?” And that doesn’t mean you can’t be both, but in this situation, I don’t think it’s about you, full stop.

Your daughter may not have known that her husband is queer because he may not have known, or admitted it to himself, in the earlier years of their relationship. If she is OK with him being queer and staying married, that’s her prerogative whether you agree with her choice. My concern is that he is out on the hunt for other queer people to have relations with, sexual or otherwise, and he is putting himself and his wife in a vulnerable situation. I’m more worried about her health and safety.

Their lack of children may have been a choice, or lack of information if they were having medical issues. And it’s only unfortunate if either of them feels that way, again, not you.

I’m sad for you because your relationship with your daughter has been compromised. I strongly suggest you focus on that and not on her marriage. Unless she’s complaining, or he’s abusive, it’s not your business.

FEEDBACK Regarding the person feeling greyed out (June 5):
Reader – “Your advice was good by suggesting making eye contact. Including a small smile can help too. When you smile your body tells your mind you are happy. May I suggest that this person also look into volunteering.  It helps to know you are needed.

“Professional help is a common recommendation, but for some people it is prohibitively expensive, and access is often difficult.”

FEEDBACK Regarding the dog ogler (June 5):

Reader – “Loved your advice to the dog ogler. As a dog owner, it’s nice when people say nice things and a quick pet isn’t hurting anyone but, keep it moving! You’re out walking your dog, getting exercise, probably have headphones in… no one wants to stop and have that excruciating small talk about your dog’s history! A quick five second stop is fine but keep it moving!”

Busy B