I get obsessed with certain women I date and really like. I treat them like gold for a while.
Then, through no fault of their own, I get tired of them after a short honeymoon period.
Tiny things I used to enjoy about them annoy me.
It's not a sex issue; I've never had a high libido, and I don't cheat.
My current girlfriend’s a wonderful woman whom I now cannot stand.
Initially I loved everything about her and treated her like she was the most important and beautiful person in the world.
Nowadays I get angry at the sound of her voice and find her a nagging emotional mess… but she's still the same beautiful person I first met.
We’ve been dating for five years (I work away so it makes things easier) and I fear leaving her will result in her coming after me financially.
Am I just an a-hole or is something wrong with me? Why do I do this to genuinely nice people?
I can almost hear the response of so many readers agreeing with your first self-assessment!
Yet you already know that this is about you and wonder if something else is “wrong” with you.
Well, there’s something not perfect in everyone – yet most people accommodate to others’ imperfections, and try to make good relationships last.
But you repeatedly get bored and upset instead.
Maybe you have repeated fears about being abandoned or suffering other losses (e.g. financial), perhaps from your past.
Or, maybe you choose women for superficial reasons.
Only a process of therapy will help you answer your question: WHY are you unable to stay with someone you genuinely like and admire?
Just taking this one moment to ponder it, is as fleeting as your ability to invest in an ongoing relationship.
An honest self-examination and personality probe takes time. Get to a therapist soon.
My wife of 18 years and I have two children.
She claimed she wasn't into sex, so we didn't have a lot of it throughout the years (very frustrating).
I think our problems stem from lack of finances.
When we’re financially stable, we’re happy and there’s intimacy.
But when things are tough, like now (bills piling up, things are getting cut off, going to homeless shelters and missions to get food), she threatens divorce, taking the children and running away.
Sometimes, I selfishly think about cheating or divorcing. But, where would I go?
As long as we’re together I have a home, a family. I don't know what to do.
Searching for Answers
It’s a tough time for all of you. Your wife’s naturally frightened about the future and threatening to leave because she also doesn’t know what to do.
You both need solutions, not just reactions - hers is to escape (to what?), and yours is to pretend you’re okay.
You both need a plan – for social services help, for employment, for training that’s targeted to job possibilities.
Wherever you live, use the Internet to seek out all the agencies and programs available to low-income people.
When your wife sees you being pro-active, also seeking any available odd jobs in your community (even if temporary), she won’t feel so afraid for herself and the children.
She can also take advantage of training that provides opportunities to work from home or prepare for seeking other jobs.
Thinking about cheating or divorce is a wasteful diversion. Intimacy isn’t the issue here.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose younger fiancé contributed nothing to the home “they” bought (June 25):
Reader – “My sister-in-law got burnt twice by the same man. This woman needs professional financial and legal advice.
“Her not being on the mortgage is good since she can't be personally responsible for shortfall should foreclosure occur (or is she a guarantor on the mortgage?).
“She should immediately get a co-habitation agreement and redo her will to make it clear that ONLY her children are her heirs.
“If she marries him, it’ll be necessary to promptly redo her (same) will again to preclude her new husband from spousal rights.
“She'd also better set up a 50-50 agreement for household expenses, so she doesn't end up paying him support down the line.
“Keep her money from her previous marital-home sale separate, take care of her own bills, and let her fiancé be responsible for himself.
“She’s contributed enough for now.”
Tip of the day:
Instead of having repeated hit-and-run relationships, get professional counselling to understand your own imperfections and fears.