I recently learned that a woman in my community killed herself and her children by locking them all in the house and setting the house on fire. I don’t know the details other than the woman was depressed and her children were too young to really know what was going on or to stop her.

I’m rocked by this story. Where was her husband? Where were her parents? Her siblings? Her friends? How could she have felt that killing herself AND HER CHILDREN was the only answer?

I have had bad days. We’ve ALL had bad days. But to go to this extreme seems so, I don’t know, extreme! How did NOBODY notice how depressed this woman was? I’m so upset, and I didn’t even know her!

Extremely Depressed

I tried googling this story and found, if not the same one, a very similar sad story from February 2024 in Missouri. It involved a mom and her four children: two nine-year-old twin girls from one father; a six-year-old boy and his two-year-old sister from another father. The woman left a note and set a mattress on fire, killing herself and her four children.

Terribly tragic story! The news said she had been “going through contentious custody and child support cases” with both fathers and was under stress having to be in court all the time, while raising her family of four and maintaining her job as a professor at a community college.

My heart also breaks for that woman and her children. Yes, to all the men out there ready to jump down my throat, I am also sad for the fathers of these children. It is completely heartbreaking. But my focus is on the woman and why NO ONE noticed the pressure she was under.

All I can do at this point is make a plea to everyone out there: pay attention to your people. If you know that someone has a lot on their plate, talk to them about it. Offer to help any way you can. And if you are feeling stress and pressure, find someone to talk to. The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health offers a wealth of information and local resources.

There are better solutions than suicide. As I once read, “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

My husband is a lovely man. He’s a good provider, a caring husband and a warm, present and loving father. But when we’re out in public, he’s cold and unfriendly. I see how people react when he behaves as though he doesn’t know them or like them.

I’m the opposite: I’m warm and friendly to everyone I encounter. It’s fine that he isn’t the same as I am, but I know that our acquaintances – even friends! – feel incredibly dismissed by his behaviour.

How do I get him to be more friendly and kind, especially to people he already knows and likes?

Cold Cat

Are you sure that your husband truly likes the people you are referring to? Maybe he doesn’t and this is his way of showing them, in a public setting. Have you talked to him about it?

Perhaps he doesn’t do well in crowds and is suppressing his fight or flight desire, which comes across as uninterested when really, he’s just looking for the nearest exit. Or maybe he’s terrible at remembering names and faces out of context, so he smiles and walks away quickly so as to avoid any embarrassing moments.

Neither you nor I will know unless you ask him. The worst answer he can give you is what you already suspect – that he’s just not that friendly to anyone outside of your home.

Talk to him!

FEEDBACK Regarding the denied grandparents (March 12):

Reader #1 – “We went through a period like that but now that they’re older, we see them once a month by arrangement. They usually spend three hours with us; we do activities together and sometimes they’re allowed to stay for dinner. We’re still banned from attending their school concerts and sports activities. They live nearby.

“We met with a counsellor two years ago, and to him it appeared that our daughter-in-law might have a borderline personality disorder.  We now have pity for her rather than anger, which has made our lives more pleasant.  Hopefully your writer will be able to get some professional advice as well.”

Reader #2 – “My son has cut off communication for no reason. I hear from him when in need. He has two sons. I don't hear from either of them. It hurts, but I will no longer be the doormat, punching bag or the bank. I have no clue what I did.”