My husband has an annoying habit of admonishing me to "be careful" in a chastising tone, whenever I make a small noise or fumble something. I'm a bit of a butter-finger, but not a klutz. I don't break stuff anymore than he does. He'll say, "be careful," at least three or four times daily.

When he drops something, he just goes, "whoops," and carries on. I've told him how much it annoys me, that I don't need to be treated like a child. He replies, "Well, if you were more careful, I wouldn't have to say that."

This has been going on for three years and we now have a child. I don't want him saying this to our child, to make him feel the way I do.

Very Annoyed

If this is your biggest marital problem.... but no, I do empathize, as annoyances often reveal deeper feelings, like, being "treated as a child."

Your husband likely had a hovering parent himself, and this is a habit he hasn't recognized needs breaking. But it's not one you can approach with a heavy hand. Instead, he needs to truly understand that he is NOT treating you as an equal.

Have this conversation when you're both in a soft, loving mood. Raise it about you, more than him, e.g. "I sometimes feel like I appear incompetent to you, and it hurts me."

Ask him to be aware of the fact it sounds like a putdown and you'd rather he try to withhold the comment, as it's unnecessary.

My sister constantly texts me and asks for my input and validation whenever she's fighting with her boyfriend or has a problem. But when I reach out, she doesn't reply, ignores me, or denies me.

She calls me her best friend but treats me like I'm disposable. I say how I feel, but she turns it around on me. Recently, we made plans to meet somewhere an hour away from me but five minutes from her. She never showed.

I called her repeatedly, no answer. Later, she called to discuss celebrity gossip. When I raised the subject, she said very coldly that we never made plans and it was my fault, and then hung up.

She's made me so angry that now I'm cruel and say things to hurt her as much as she's hurt me. How do I discuss my feelings without her freaking out? Is this a relationship worth continuing?

Fed Up

Change your strategy; the one you've chosen (verbal cruelty) is the worst possible choice, since it cancels out your credibility as the one who was originally treated badly.

This is sibling stuff from the past. Sis is self-absorbed, probably always was, and doesn't know/acknowledge it. You've always felt disappointed, let down, by her self-interest. It's unlikely at this stage that you'll change her, but you CAN change your reaction. However, just biting back gets you nowhere.

When there's a plan, confirm before you leave to meet her. If you can't reach her, send a text saying so, and that you'll be at home or wherever if she wants to connect.

Don't build huge expectations of her being your listening post.... and when she leans on you, only give her as much time as you feel comfortable with, then say you're busy and have to go.

Do this for self-protection, not as a mind game, which only fuels your anger. But do try to keep the relationship.... sisters usually come to care more than you or she now know.

FEEDBACK Regarding the college-age son who'd been violent with his parents (June 9):

Reader - "Telling him to own up to failing in college before his grandparents (who are funding him) find out another way, could be dangerous. He'd probably attack again and maybe seriously injure his parents or siblings.

"For the safety of all, the answer may be to cut him off from his immediate family. If the parents want to talk to him about his responsibility to his grandparents, a neutral party should be present as counterbalance and witness.

"Others will eventually see him for what he is. It sounds like he has serious mental health issues. He may come around, but he may also end up in jail. The mother's obligation is to protect herself and the rest of the family."

"Cutting him off" appears impossible for the grandparents. But the neutral observer is an excellent idea, with this volatile guy.