I’m a divorced man in my late-40s, dating a woman for two years. We have an active, healthy sex life, but occasionally, when having sex, I get past a certain point and cannot ejaculate. This isn’t a problem to me.
However, though my partner has been sexually satisfied, she takes my not ejaculating as a huge personal insult. She says I must not find her attractive, and she cannot satisfy me. I explain that it’s not her, I’m greatly attracted to her, I do love her.
Though it happens only rarely, her ensuing meltdown is no fun.
What advice do you have for me/her?
- Unfinished Business
Your partner’s insecurity is more than a bedroom issue. Since this happens so rarely, it’s clear that the “meltdown” has a huge base of other factors. She may need more cuddling and intimacy outside of the sex act; she may also want reassurances from you about your commitment to the relationship.
Her history with previous partners or even from way back in her childhood, may also be factors. If so, you need to get her to open up about what she’s really worried about.
My husband knows that his friend is a “player.”
I know his wife from back home, and she’s all alone here in another country, with no extended family, and at home with kids.
I fear she’ll be devastated if she finds out he’s cheating.
What should I do?
Become a truly supportive friend to her by spending time and keeping contact, not by spreading the bad news or raising her suspicions.
Get her out of the house and involved in the community; suggest she take a course to look toward eventually working.
Help her expand to a bigger network; she’ll need it.
After I dated the man of my dreams for three months, he was transferred back to his hometown for work, on the opposite side of the country.
At 22, I threw caution to the wind, and we moved in together in his city. I found a great job, and met new friends.
However, we began fighting. I always seemed to make him upset with me; I was doing more than my share of the housework, and resented this.
I decided to move back home to my parents, who now think he’s verbally abusive and controlling because I’d called them, when upset, so many times.
I now think I had this fairytale idea of a “perfect” relationship and when we argued, I blew things out of proportion.
He vows things would be different if I move back.
I love him, but my parents aren’t willing to give us their blessing, which is important to me, to us. And I'm so afraid things would go back to the way they were, and I’d look a fool running home a second time.
Do not use your parents as the excuse for your own valid fears.
It’s a step forward that you recognize your contribution to the fighting; but until he does the same, and you both have professional guidance to change your past reactions to anger, there’s little doubt the previous pattern will repeat.
I suggest you both get individual counselling while apart, then talk out some of the changes and compromises that each feels is needed.
If you decide to move back there, set up couples’ counseling for at least the first few months as you both re-adjust to living together.
My close friends are thinking of holding their wedding 350km from home. I’d like to attend and my friend has said it's important to him that I be there.
Between transportation, accommodation, etc., it’s going to cost me at least $500, which I can ill afford.
I believe the couple should get married within their home community, to make it easier for all their guests to attend.
Am I being unreasonable?
- Frustrated Wedding (non?) Guest
These are their plans, and you need to decide whether you’re going to make the most affordable arrangements possible (a car pool and group accommodation can be great fun).
You can then plunge into having a good time. Or you can stay home, and send a gift.
Resenting their plans or dreaming up ones that would suit you better, is a waste of time that will add to your frustration, and can also impact on the friendship.
Tip of the day:
When a sexual “problem” affects a relationship, it’s sometimes more about the relationship than the sex.