I'm married, father of two adult sons. One is manipulating his mom to get what he wants. When it comes to my youngest son, my wife and I have differing opinions on what's best. He's 24, has a good education, and a job in California.

He's returning to New York to visit for Christmas and wants to use one of our vehicles to drive his new girlfriend around during those two weeks. I said that he's not covered under our car insurance, so that won't be possible (he has a past conviction, Driving While Intoxicated).

My wife agreed. But then he called her and said he wouldn't visit at Christmas nor ever feel welcome to come back if he couldn't use our car.

She became angry with me and didn't understand why we couldn't loan him one. Because of his age and DWI, he'd have to pay $500+ surcharge (plus the rental fee) to rent a car. My wife thinks we should risk being sued and broke for the rest of our lives, because he said that he'd pay all of the money we'd be sued for if he got into a serious accident (which could amount to millions). I know better than to think he'll be able, and willing, to do so.

I was a licensed Property and Casualty agent (includes car insurance) for several years. Maybe you can help her see what a severe risk she'd be taking. My wife and I still live from paycheck to paycheck and will never be able to retire comfortably, as is.

Impasse

This is surely not the only temper tantrum your son has pulled on you two. He's so good at it... with the "forever" threat, and knowing how to pit his soft, pliable Mommy against his hard-line, authoritative Dad. Now the fight's between you two, and solutions aren't even being sought!

Yes, you're correct that you and your wife shouldn't risk your son being in an accident - and neither should he - that could cause huge financial risk for any of you.

However, he's able to rent a car on his own, and the surcharge is the penalty he pays from his driving record.... which may be the only way for him to truly absorb the consequences of his own actions.

There's room for a compromise, too. As his Christmas gift, you could contribute something to the rental fee. That way his childish, "never-feel-welcome" rant has no basis.

Now you and his mom need to think ahead about how to have a pleasant Christmas without this son manipulating you both.

It's not about any other "issue" besides the real one - the dynamic he creates and which you two allow. Stand united but loving, and help him see he doesn't have to fight for negative attention.... still!

I already have stomach pains about spending Christmas with my family. I'm female, the youngest "child." At 29, I'm still teased by my older brother, still told what to do by my two older sisters. But now I have a boyfriend whom I'm bringing to Christmas dinner. The thought of him seeing me treated like a baby and reduced to tears is sickening. How do I stop this same-old treatment?

Anxious

See above. And change your reaction. This time, laugh off their antics with, "Look, honey, they still want to pretend I'm their baby!" When they see you unflustered, they'll behave differently. Or, if they get worse, smile sweetly, leave the room, and snuggle contentedly with "honey."

My mother-in-law becomes deceitful when she doesn't get her way. She's an instigator, causes fights in her children's' marriages, and tries to control her sons and her grandchildren.

When her sons have kindly asked her to refrain from comments or mind her own business, she then becomes deceitful towards me or my sister-in-law. I've tried to be respectful and not complain to my husband, but how can I try to make her understand?

Wit's End

Stop trying, she may not change, but you can. Your husband knows how you feel, and it seems he already supports you.

Have contact when you can handle it, but limit conversations and visits. End them when she becomes difficult, and explain why. Do NOT react to her comments and lash back, or try to argue anything, just leave and take the children. Both sons need to insist on respect for their families, or create distance.