I’m in my early 70s and I’ve been retired seven years while my self-employed, solo-tradesperson, mid-60s spouse is looking to retire next year.

Our youngest daughter, 33, has faced a variety of challenges over the years. Her painful menstrual cramps since puberty have recently been successfully treated by hormone therapy; her two years of debilitating and baffling physical ailments were finally resolved by long-term treatment for Lyme disease; while her ongoing mental health issues highlighted by anxiety, have been allayed by a good therapist and prescriptions.

Just over five years ago, this daughter and her longtime boyfriend were looking to rent their own place within a reasonable distance from their jobs. They found that most were out of their financial range, and those that weren’t, were too far away. While we’re at best financially comfortable, we couldn’t offer them financial assistance, nor could his father.

We agreed to convert part of our home into a self-contained granny suite for them. We charged them half the going rental rate. We made it clear that once her mother was ready to retire, we would need to downsize and sell our home to help finance our combined retirement.

Though not always agreeing with their spending habits, we accepted that as they’re adults, we had no place to make conditions, and that as her parents, the days of life lessons were in the past. We knew some might see this as enabling, but we see it as doing what a parent must do for an adult child’s mental and physical security.

Six months ago, we learned our daughter and now common-law husband were in such financial distress that in her mental state she was questioning life. Her anxiety and today’s employment environment impede her seeking a higher paying job; while her partner’s employer, in his own financial predicament, can for the undefined future only pay him half wages. His seeking legal redress and/or walking away from this job are not the answer to this immediate quandary.

After long deliberation, we agreed to help our daughter out the only practical way we can: six months of no rent. We strongly suggested debt counselling which was ignored. Their rent, while helping our budget, isn’t crucial, though the current economy diminishing my wife’s revenue doesn’t help.

The six-month rent relief review is coming up. The review will likely reveal, though six months no rent was certainly beneficial, that they remain financially constrained. We wish that we were comfortable that their spending practices lend themselves to improved short- or long-term financial security. In the meantime, still a couple of years away, the time to downsize is getting closer, though we would never leave them homeless. We welcome and accept our parental obligations but wonder where they go from here.

Always a Parent

You’re right that some might see you as enabling, while others understand your motivation. To be clear, it doesn’t matter what other people think. This is your life, your daughter.

I can’t explicitly say that your choices were good or bad, or that I would have done the same. Nor am I a financial planner. However, I would insist that if your daughter and her partner wish to remain in your home, that the four of you see a financial planner together to discuss their situation.

I would also see this planner, alone with your wife, first, so as not to disclose everything to your daughter. Unfortunately, from your description, that wouldn’t feel safe for you to do. Then with the help of this professional, come up with another six-month plan, that works for everyone. I understand you don’t want to leave them homeless, but you also don’t want to bankrupt yourselves just as you retire.

FEEDBACK Regarding the bacteria bandit (March 17):

Reader – “I would suggest there’s more going on than simply from hygiene perspective.  Is he hiding something?  Or is this his only opportunity for privacy?”

Reader #2 – “He’s taking his phone to the bathroom as he’s making illicit calls.”

Reader #3 – “You wrote about the ‘increased risk in developing haemorrhoids by people who spend more time than necessary on the toilet.’ You also noted the ‘increased risk of bacteria, such as E. coli being transferred to your phone from your hands.’

“However, there are some excellent reasons for breaking your rule about no phones in the toilet. I'm in my 80s and my wife has Alzheimer's. She’s been in long-term care for several years. I always have a phone with me in case the nursing home needs me. This has proven essential several times.

“Your ‘rule’ may be reasonable and valid in some, but certainly not in all cases.”