My sister is constantly asking our dad to do things for her, from making her a coffee, to driving her to a friend’s, to booking her a massage. He’s always done this kind of stuff for us because our mom is an ER doctor and works crazy hours. Dad has very flexible hours and often works from home. He’s our go-to person.
But my sister is 22! She can make her own coffee, walk to her friend’s, and set up any appointment she wants. I’ve talked to my dad, and he always says he doesn’t mind. I know he loves making our lives easier, so none of it is a big deal.
The problem is when she asks, and he says no. She loses her mind! She’ll go nuts if he says he can’t drive her somewhere exactly when she wants to go. I’ve even offered to drive her, but that’s not good enough.
What kind of dynamic is going on here and how can I stop it?
Distraught Sis
It’s not for you to change the dynamic. Your father and your sister need to figure it out between themselves. However, you could try a few different techniques: You could discuss everything with your mother and see how she feels. If she’s on board, you two could try to have an intervention with your dad and sister.
If that doesn’t work, you and your mom could insist that they go to counselling together to figure out why they have this dynamic. Your father sounds like a pleaser, but also a hands-on parent. Separately, those aren’t bad traits. Together, they may cause overkill. But that depends directly on what type of personality your sister has. He’s the same person with you and you don’t act the same way.
Your sister sounds as though she has some impulse issues and has been spoiled. Your father needs to set some boundaries. I strongly suggest they get counseling.
Why do people insist that moving out of your parents’ house is necessary to prove you’re a grown-up?
I’m a woman in my late 50s who’s always lived at home. I still live in the same room I grew up in. I’m now retired, but I always paid room and board and all my own expenses. I own my car, do my own laundry and cleaning, and prepare my own meals.
I’m a quiet person, and living with roommates never appealed, but I also didn’t want to live alone, so staying at home seemed a reasonable choice, and my parents agreed. When my mother battled Parkinson’s, I was able to help care for her, and now that my 87-year-old father is ailing, I can keep him home. I’ve gradually taken over most household tasks and now ferry my father everywhere.
In many cultures it’s normal and even expected that parents and adult children share a household. I don’t understand the disdainful attitude most North Americans have regarding this arrangement, which harms no one and can contribute to family unity.
I think it’s practical and financially savvy for adult children to live with their parents, if the relationship is mutually respectful and beneficial.
My brother moved out as soon as he finished university because he wanted to live downtown, stay out late, have parties, etc. That was him.
Why do people always assume it’s an adult child’s “failure to launch?”
Happy at Home
To each their own, as you say. You’re right – it’s the cultural norm for many, but not here in North America as much. I think it really depends on the person, the parents, and the situation. For some, it is a social issue; for others, like yourself, it was the right thing to do.
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