My girlfriend and I are both still in university, both experiencing our first relationship. I see myself willing to marry her; we've already met each other's parents.

She has a very close gay friend with whom she spends time alone - shopping, eating out. My mother insists that I find out more about him. I'm split between doing so, and appearing possessive and insecure, or just leaving things as is.

We're moving in together soon. I plan to discuss the direction of our relationship. Should I mention this issue?

Conflicted

Your mother's prejudices are showing. Meet and go out with your girlfriend's closest friends - including this guy - and get to know the people she cares about. Suspicion based only on his being gay will reflect negative things about you, as it does about your mother.

Dear Readers - There have been many comments and feedback since the topic of virginity arose from some readers, and was also discussed on my live online chat. Here are several responses to one doubtful male about female virgins having "unrealistic expectations of ever finding a man willing to abstain from sex until marriage." (June 13):

Reader - "If someone demands sex of you, whether you're a virgin or not, walk away. Sex is something both partners should consent to, not for one to demand and the other to give in to avoid a partner's disappointment, criticism, or worse.
"The person who wants to be with you should be willing to face the challenge of abstaining until marriage, and respect your choice. If they don't respect you now for holding true to your principle, they won't respect you later, either.
"Yes, it's a challenge to find someone who's made the same choice. Once you decide that you're ready for sex - married or not - make sure it's because YOU are ready, not because someone's pressured you into changing your mind.

"Pressure - regardless of the "reasons" they give you - should NEVER be a reason to have sex if it's not what you want."
Been There

Reader - "Being a newly-wed bride of not even three months, I can happily say that not only was I a virgin when we married, but so was my husband. From a young age, we'd both decided to save our bodies for our spouses. This wasn't always easy and there were even great moments of temptation for both of us. We wanted to be pure in the sight of the Lord and please Him rather than ourselves.

"We struggled to remain pure in a world that screams sex."

Reader - "When I met my boyfriend and things between us starting getting more intimate, I just told him that I wanted to wait. I'm assuming of course that you're going to kiss the guy. But, if he goes to do something more than kissing, that might be the point to tell him.

"I just paused and said I want to wait until I get married. He was very respectful of this and we still dated. If your personalities are compatible, I don't see why a guy wouldn't be willing to wait and respect your wishes.
"When people start having sex, for the most part they eventually have less and less. If a guy can be comfortable in a relationship where sex just stops happening so often for some reason, I don't see why he shouldn't be okay with not having it from the start."

Our close friend of 30 years suffers from mental illness and is too dependent on our assistance. Whenever he loses a relationship or job (frequently), he moves in for "a weekend" that becomes months.

He has no family nearby, and knows we're financially well off. However, we feel used. He doesn't help with chores or pay expenses.

We feel guilty when we say anything as he responds that we have so much and he so little. How can we end this without ending our friendship? How can we truly help him without allowing him to be dependant?
Exhausted

The friendship's already affected, on your part, and if you continue this way, you'll eventually cut him off through resentment.

Research local mental health services and go with him to set up a plan for emergency accommodation, help finding work, etc. However, if he only wants "freebies," he may end the friendship himself.