I met him online several years back and we had great conversations, dates, and eventually great intimacy.
However, he never mentioned that he was attached and I hadn’t checked his background.
Once I found out, we had a falling-out, but he has a way of making his way back to chatting with me and visiting me periodically.
It initially felt like unfinished business since I’ve only felt like this about someone a few times.
I made a few “goodbye” dinners for him (which he loves), and couldn’t understand that he seems to enjoy trying to connect deeper with me.
When I challenge him, saying that it must end, he disagrees and says this is forever for us. Nonsense!!
Yet he’s a deeply spiritual person, and supported me through struggles by saying the right things when I needed it.
We come from different backgrounds, but both have a strong prayer life.
Perhaps I can't understand what and how this ending is to be done. I even purchased Christmas presents for him!!
But likely he’s pursuing a dozen other interests, being what I call, “a professional deceiver who loves himself.”
How do I get out of this, now that he messages me almost daily?? And even if it feels physically painful when I decide to cut contact.
My emotions regarding him have operatic-aria-like dramatic proportions, yet he gives me calmness.
My brain is reasonable, but my heart’s confused.
I’m still looking for the right life-mate, and none has quite matched this connection. There has to be a much better and genuine one.
Deceived by a Pro
You’ve nailed everything about this man, except for how wrong it is for you to allow him in your life.
The more you allow yourself to be welcoming, kind, and responsive, the deeper you dig yourself into the dark hole of an enabler to this skilled user.
He needs and thrives on constant, compelling adoration… from many women.
It’s his addiction. Don’t let it be yours.
His intent is obvious, hooking you in with what you call calmness, but is really his much-used seduction technique.
Protect yourself. Block his emails, social media contacts, phone calls, etc.
Do NOT see him, or he’ll keep you from your chance to meet someone genuine with hope for a future healthy relationship. Just end it.
I’ve been in a happy relationship for 17 months. We met on Tinder. I’d previously been on a couple of dates with another man and we shared a connection.
I told my current boyfriend about the other dates and he was brave enough to tell me he wasn’t okay with that. It was he or the other guy. I know I made the right choice.
My boyfriend’s a great man and really good to me.
However, the other guy still occasionally reaches out. I think he’s waiting/hoping that my relationship doesn’t work out.
He keeps asking me to meet up as friends. Can I trust that it’ll stay friendly or should I expect that he has other intentions?
Read above. It’s not the same situation, of course, because this “other guy” may simply be keeping his options open. But think about what it does to your situation.
A “great man” has told you that he prefers that you don’t see a former date. You made a choice, which amounts to a commitment.
If you break that promise (and worse, meet the guy secretly), you’re setting up for an angry split.
FEEDBACK Regarding meeting up with past loves years later (Sept. 14):
Reader – “I recently had coffee with a lover with whom I'd spent the summer in Europe 50 years ago.
“We looked at old maps and pictures and shared stories and smiles. I connected with him as many people do - at a point in life when we’re wondering about our legacy or simply wishing to recapture and savour good memories.
“The act can be empowering and often worth sharing with other meaningful people in our current lives.
“Everyone understood the intention and now my husband and I have since attended music venues with this man and his significant other.
“We're all the richer for thinking outside the box.”
Ellie – Once again, it depends on the individuals. Some people cannot handle a reunion that reminds of a partner’s past intimacy with another, especially if there’s any insecurity or tension in the current relationship.
Tip of the day:
When an attached person keeps trying to keep you “connected,” he/she is practiced at it. Disconnect.