My girlfriend wants to visit me but doesn't have a car of her own. Is it good manners for me to go pick her up? She says she doesn't want me to get her, why do you suppose that is? Also, she doesn't want to borrow a car to come here. What would you conclude is going on?

Confused

Smoke and Mirrors is what you're getting. Or worse, Secrets and Lies. C'mon, you know this doesn't make sense. Either she's incapable of saying what she really wants, and hopes you'll take charge and go see her, as well as insist on having her visit you; OR, she's hiding something. Maybe it's where and how she lives, or with whom. If she won't reveal anything, forget her; she's an illusion, not a girlfriend.

Our former house-cleaner of several years was occasionally unreliable. During casual conversation, she said she didn't drink. Once, she was drinking from a can of ginger ale. As I moved it to another room for her, I noticed red liquid on top, and smelled it. It was red wine!

I didn't say anything, figuring she had a problem, and as long as she carried out her duties I wouldn't embarrass her. After a couple of years, I let her go because her efforts had diminished and she was more unreliable.

Recently, an acquaintance who still employs her said the woman had stolen some medications from her house. She'd admitted this, pleading that she needed them for pain. The employer suggested she get help, but continued to employ her.

I checked our supply of liquor and drugs and discovered some of our medication was depleted and a lot of liquor had been drunk! We seldom drink hard liquor, so we hadn't noticed.

What should we do, Ellie? Several people I know employ her from my original reference. I want to warn them but don't want to appear as a gossip.

My current house cleaner said I should phone the police to give her a wake-up call, but I have no current proof. My new cleaner's view is that by reporting her, it might prevent her from getting bonded.

I'm also wondering whether she's taken anything else from our house. I genuinely liked this woman and tried to help her, but I feel violated. My husband thinks we should leave it alone; it'll only cause emotional grief. I want her to get help for her problem.

Weighty Decision

Talk directly to this woman to offer help, and warning. Say that if she's taken anything of significance, it'll soon be noticed, as you'll be checking your place, as will others who notice loss. Direct her where to get help for her addictions e.g. a local Alcoholics' Anonymous group, plus a non-profit community counselling agency regarding her stealing.

Ultimately, if you or others have items missing beyond the liquor and pain pills, you'll have to alert the employers you know and file a police report. She could be selling the drugs and the goods.

My older sister's smart, accomplished; we'd stayed close for years. The bond's now strained by her husband's distance due to an altercation between two of our children.

My sister and I tried to stay above it, but he can't or won't. Is there any way I can fix this?

Sad

Stay connected to your sister on your own - phone calls, email, and a catch-up coffee/lunch when possible. The basic bond remains; you'll both need it again some day.

FEEDBACK Here's a different view regarding the married mother of two whose ex-boyfriend, known thief, wants to re-connect 20 years later. I'd said she was asking for trouble, forget it:

Reader - "Thought should be given to whether this gentleman's trying to make amends. It's possible that 20 years later he's gotten the help he needed and is trying to work through the "steps" - including taking responsibility for past wrongs and apologizing to those he hurt.

"I do believe you're correct that caution must be exercised. Would it be wrong for the writer to respond inquisitively as to why the contact? Although one must be very leery of out-of-nowhere contact like this, I believe in trying to see the good in things and allowing people the opportunity (not in person...maybe over the phone or through email) to apologize and take ownership of past mistakes."

Only if her husband agrees.