HOW does someone really get over an ex?

Lost in Los Angeles

It’s a short question, with a lifetime answer.

The first major heartbreak is the hardest, at any age. But it’s not about him/her; it’s about you.

Much of the agony – you need to realize this – isn’t so much about missing the other person, but about feeling rejected.

How you feel about yourself, has a strong effect on how you handle rejection.

So… look at what was really happening in the relationship, and get angry.

Ask yourself, why should you want less than someone who cares deeply about you, respects you, is trustworthy, honours you, and loves you?

If you cannot rise above feelings of depression, insecurity, self-blaming… surround yourself with support people whom you trust, and get counselling if the blues go too deep or last too long.

Once you are more distanced from the immediate shock and hurt, think through – perhaps with professional help if needed - those behaviours of the other person or between you that you should NOT have let go on so long.

If, at the time, you believed in staying together for strong reasons like children, security, finances, you can now see, since it’s over, that you should’ve confronted, protected yourself, gotten good advice, etc. All this reflection is to strengthen your self-confidence for the time when a new relationship is possible, and you want to enter it without still carrying this old baggage.

Time does heal. But it should be helped along with getting out of your funk, being with people you like and trust, and boosting your own self-esteem.

Me and my friend of ten years are having a huge fight because her crush of two years messaged me on Facebook, flirting, and saying to text him.

I’m not interested in him at all, but didn't want to be rude and not respond.
I told my friend right away. Our friendship’s way more important than some guy I barely know and have no feelings for.

I respect the girl code 100 per cent, but my friend thinks that he and I have something going on. Not true.

I tried talking to her in person, but she kept giving me the cold shoulder. Also, I found out today that she’s telling a mutual friend that I "took her man."

I honestly thought I was doing the right thing by telling her that her crush messaged me, but I’m no longer sure if that was the right thing to do.

I wanted to be honest and not go behind her back because she’s an important person in my life and I don’t want to lose her.

How to Fix This?

She’s been humiliated by him, not you, but you’re caught in the middle. Your intent was honesty, but unfortunately it revealed that he’s not interested in her.

A long-held crush - as you probably know – is mostly fantasy, and can hold a big emotional place in someone’s imagination, hopes, and dreams.

In hindsight, it probably would’ve been better not to tell her, just to brush him off. But you didn’t know that.

Send her an email – since she’s unlikely to resist reading it – and apologize. Don’t go on too much about you and how honest you are, but do say you want her to know you are NOT in any more contact with this guy, regret you even answered him, and care far more about your friendship. (Don’t criticize the guy too much or you’re commenting on her taste).

FEEDBACK You printed and replied to my letter regarding my husband’s financial control and abuse (Jan. 21):

Writer – “Thank you so much. Importantly, you shared something I wasn't paying close enough attention to - my safety.

“My husband has a mean streak. He’s emotionally, psychologically, and verbally abusive. Because he hasn't hit me, I've trusted that he wouldn't. This isn't a guarantee.

“My lawyer shared that I can call police when my husband’s on a drunken tirade. I don't need to lock myself in my room waiting for it to stop. I can call and request he be removed because he’s drunk and out of control.

“I did not know this, people exposed to this kind of behaviour need to know it. People drunk with alcohol are unpredictable. They can snap. Then, your personal safety is at risk.”

Ellie: I suggested she get a lawyer, fast. Information is key to self-protection.