I'm employed by a very small company. Several months ago I felt that one of the married managers (not my direct supervisor) is attracted to me. I'm really attracted to him, too. I proceeded in asking him out, however he politely declined pointing out his marital status and that he's one of the heads of the company.

After, I tried to stay aside, but he persisted in showing an interest in me. I asked him again and got the same reply. I kept staying aside again.

We all have lunches together, and during these times and at meetings, I constantly get the hint from colleagues that we don't keep secrets. I assume it's an indication for me to ask him out in front of everyone.

That made me feel uncomfortable. I shared my feelings with some co-workers and asked if this is the proper way of asking out someone in the company. They didn't reply, all acting as if they've never said or known anything.

Is asking out a superior publicly the proper policy for dating in a company? I'm sure I'm not imagining everything.

Need to Know

There's been nothing "proper" about neither your approach nor your reading of people. When someone says they have two reasons for not dating you - married and your boss - the message is NO!

Asking him out in the first place was brazen. A second time was pushy. Taking it public was downright stupid.

You've been wrong all along, even in your imaginings. The man's showing kindness, not interest. And let's be clear here - when you "ask out" a married man, you're asking for a sexual affair. That's all he has to give if he's staying in his marriage.

In a small company, you're pursuing self-destruction. Unless you cool your jets and stop any further outreach to him or for colleagues' approval, you'll soon need another job.

This fellow I met took me out and shortly thereafter I moved in with him. He was a widower. I thought we had something good, but when I asked where he went on Saturday nights, he told me about his mistress.

She's been his mistress for 35 years, on Saturday nights only, even when he was married. His wife of 40 years died two years ago. He cheated on her, and now me too.

We've separated and still go out twice a week. But we don't go home to each other's houses anymore. I'm getting fed up, so I'm looking for someone else.... someone who's loving and honest.

We're both over 75, so cheating doesn't just happen to younger people.

Your Thoughts?

When there's a choice between having company or having self-respect, age doesn't matter. What's important is knowing what you can handle, without losing confidence and getting upset, even depressed. Mental well-being and self-worth are too valuable to ignore, in favour of "being a couple" with someone who makes you feel second-rate.

Loneliness is also tough, but there are countless community-based events and activities where you can meet people, plus faith organizations, volunteer opportunities, courses, interest groups, etc.

Do not sell yourself short and fast to someone, on hope only. While dating, you'd have known this guy disappears on Saturday nights. The "mistress" is his armour that keeps him emotionally distant (even when married).

Get out and meet others. Women and younger people are also excellent company, so broaden your network and be open to new people. But, even at 75, rushing into a relationship is unwise.

FEEDBACK One man's view of extreme sibling rivalry, in response to a column (Sept. 1):

Reader - "Here's my own sad, costly, time-wasting experience as the target and participant of sibling rivalry. It expressed itself in bullying, lies, greed, cruelty, and character assassination over many years.

"Now, as a proud parent of three adult children and grandparent of four, I have and will condemn any family member (including myself) who dares to engage in this family cancer of extreme sibling rivalry.

"Parents today must clearly and firmly distinguish between friendly competition, and extreme sibling rivalry. And they must be prepared to draw a line in the sand and act quickly, openly, firmly and fairly to stop it, in its very early stages.

"Failing to do so will allow the rivalry to destroy core family values."

Been There

Parents must NOT take "sides," or the battle persists through generations.