I've been dating a guy for a year and just learned he has a fiancee. When confronted, he gave me the run around, stating that she's threatened to take him to court and sue him.

He's constantly saying he loves me and wants to be with me. But I can only talk to him when she isn't around - not often. We make plans to go out but inevitably he cancels.

He says he's going to leave her but something always comes up - like financial reasons. He tells me one thing and does another.

I love him but it's hard to love someone who's with someone else and it's killing me inside. My head says, leave the dirt-bag but my heart says, stay.

Confused

Your head has it right - he's a dirt-bag. Your heart's playing you for a fool, and so is he. Once you discovered his "secret" fiancee, no excuses can be believed. The guy thrives on deceit.

However, you are NOT thriving, you're allowing yourself to be beaten down. If you call this "love" - a man who lies and brushes you off - you're doomed to bad relationships. Ditch him.

Have you heard from any readers who improved their sex lives after starting regular date nights with their low-libido partners?

Curious

Dear Readers - I frequently recommend "date nights" for couples who can't seem to find time, energy, or interest in their sex lives during their work/home routines.

I've NOT stated that setting aside time together is itself a turn-on, though it certainly may kick-start good feelings. "Curious" is clearly hoping to hear some positive results. Write your experiences with "date nights" and I'll publish a sampling.

Until age 14, I was raised by my father while mom was at work. He did everything with me, his only child - teaching me how to ride a bike, taking me to the park every weekend. And he bought me whatever I wanted.

He did physically abuse me, though, and I know he has some psychological issues. Last August, he left my mom and me in a house she couldn't sustain by herself. Nevertheless, home is much more peaceful.

He and I had a pretty nasty relationship after that. I felt betrayed, but he believes it's "his way or the highway." Now I wish I had a better relationship with him.

I'm in my first year of university and I miss him. But it's so hard to talk to him sometimes, and always ends up with me in tears. How can I still show him how much I love him without making it a sob-fest, while still being able to do my own thing?

Sad Daughter

Invite him to visit you at your university. Show him around; introduce him to your friends, even some teachers. Share some of what you're doing which you know he'll find acceptable, without looking like you're Miss Perfect, just his own daughter trying to do well.

Then take him for a meal and thank him for all that he did for you when you were young. It's NOT necessary to challenge him on things you know he doesn't accept, or try to win him over to your thinking on everything.

Re-build the relationship slowly, without expecting massive changes immediately. He's also in an adjustment period, angry about some of what went wrong, perhaps the loss of the house, etc. When you feel more secure about your connection, visit him sometimes too, and get to know him again in his new situation.

FEEDBACK One woman's view regarding children's "nicknames" (column Oct. 19):

Reader - "I just turned 60 and still clearly remember my aunt calling me "Fatty" when I was four. It still resonates to this day.

"Did this result in my bulimia, bingeing then dieting all my life? Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wonder - even if intellectually I know it was not meant as more than a casual comment, and it happened only once. Imagine a child hearing something negative like that, repeatedly."

Been There and Never Forgot

My previous response bears repeating, for the sake of children's self-esteem:

Labels are never a positive way of dealing with a child's annoying behaviour (or appearance). It may be a type of shorthand for a busy mom to relieve her frustration, it may add a comic touch to her Mommy-tales, but it stamps the child with that image.