I've been dating a great guy for nine months, with whom I'm in love. We're mid-20's and both want a long term committed relationship.

However, he's the product of an affair, his father is still married to his wife. My boyfriend has been a secret his whole life. His mother wanted to keep it that way, despite his father offering to come clean. She's very nice to me, but insists on having family dinners to which I'm only selectively invited.

She guilt trips my boyfriend when we go out of town, calling and saying she's so lonely, and to come home. If she calls when I'm at his house, she'll ask him to come to dinner. When he asks if I can join, she cancels.

When younger, he went to counselling because when he'd do something she didn't like, she'd threaten to hurt herself. Now, he thinks it's easier to just appease her.

I worry that if I continue to see him, these will become my problems. He sometimes admits that her behaviour is unhealthy, and other times he avoids talking about it and dismisses my concern for him. What should I do?

Concerns

You're wise to address this complex mother-son relationship, NOW. He can't change his mother's neediness, but he can set boundaries, and also insist that she be fully welcoming to you as his partner.

Instead of worrying about him, focus together on your relationship and ways to preserve it, in light of his mother's ability to "guilt" him. Since counseling helped before, he should be open to you two going together, to both learn ways to avoid greater problems as his mother inevitably builds fears that she's "losing" her son.

My parents have been married 25 years. When we children were little, my mom worked from home. She didn't have her drivers' license, or much of a social life, either.
After we'd grown, she went back to school, and got a job. I then saw that my dad was a little overprotective and controlling. He didn't like that she worked alongside other men and now had a network of friends. He was angry a lot and more standoffish than ever.

When I was in university, he was diagnosed with cancer. He's doing well, but has never expressed much appreciation for everything my mom has done for him through the ups and downs.
I fear she's having an affair. At first, I'd defend her relationships with male colleagues, reassuring my father that they, too, are married. But I recently found some emails that proved me wrong.
Should I confront my mom? I know for a fact that she's cheating and I haven't been able to sleep.

Distraught

This is about your mom's life, more than yours. You should talk to her, but NOT confrontationally. Tell her you know that she's been seeing someone else, and you'd like to know what she's planning to do about it, so you can be emotionally prepared.

As your mother, she's done her job, and it seems she did it very devotedly and selflessly. It also seems that, deep down, you can understand the stress she's endured from your father's controlling, distant, and unappreciative behaviour towards her, even while she helped him through cancer.

So listen more, and judge less. Staying married requires two people to put effort into it. Meanwhile, she's still there, so clearly feels some conflict herself. Talking together as two women will be helpful to both of you.

FEEDBACK Regarding the writer whose family was harassed and threatened by a hostile and sometimes violent neighbour (Aug. 2):

Reader - "These people need to get a restraining order as soon as possible. They should mention the driveway access as well as the full length of the joint property line. Once this is in place, the police can lay charges if the order is violated.
"They should also take digital photos of all transgressions - such as the dead kittens, the cars parked to block them, etc., as the police can use these actions to lay charges, but need evidence."

Many readers were appalled at the lack of police response that was described by the writer of this question about neighbour harassment. Having evidence of threatening behaviour would certainly have helped, e.g. photos of the man walking around outside with his rifle in hand, along with their reports of his uttering threats.