I’m a successful female junior executive (33) in a corporation, with my boyfriend (41) for six years. I love him because he’s brilliant, romantic, with lots of diverse interests. We have common values. 

But since his 40th birthday and a midlife crisis, he lost his job, and invested in a new business that’s not yet worked out.

We sold our home to downsize expenses; he has no savings.

He’s seeking work to help save money and move the business forward.

I’m scared for our future - I want a house, kids, good schools, etc. I’m afraid our seemingly diverging paths will tear us apart.

He might not find another high-paying job soon.

I’m making ends meet, but I think of what we’d like to be and we’re just not there.

My family thinks I’m wasting my time and youth. I cry in private.

My friends are all doing very well, and don’t understand the difficulties I’m going through. I don’t know what to do.

- Panicky in New York

You’re listening to family and friends because there’s doubt in your mind; now, listen to your heart. 

Either you love the guy for himself - “for better or worse” – OR for the image you had of what your life together could be.

The latter possibility isn’t a condemnation of your feelings, rather a truth-seeking.

Your guy brought down changed circumstances on you both, through muddled judgment and bad luck.

Trust me, similar circumstances will be happening to some of your currently complacent friends, as the economy weeds out some who were “doing well,” and high-paying jobs get scarcer to find.

But can you forgive your boyfriend, stay on the same team and work together through harder times? To hang in with resentments, will only lead to bitterness, and you’ll likely break up in time.

However, if you love him as he is, the challenges ahead can bring you closer than ever. But you’ll have to stop picturing “where we could be.”

I feel that my friend is “using” me; she often visits me for several days at my cottage in the country. She has another friend who lives near my cottage and whenever she visits me, she arranges visitations with this other person before consulting me. 

Once she stopped at her other friend’s place on the way, and only got to me after midnight. I’d been looking forward to her company and was expecting her for supper. Another time, I re-arranged our plans entirely to meet the convenience of her friend.

I’m feeling that she’d rather be with this other person and my place is just a convenient flophouse; also, I find her behaviour seems rude and inconsiderate.

How can I raise this without causing hostility and hard feelings?

- Used

Weigh the value of the friendship, and acknowledge your own compliance with her behaviour – you keep inviting her; even after she upset you, you STILL re-arranged your plans to suit her other friend. 

If you decide that you want to stay friends, speak up clearly the next time you invite her. “I expect you at around 8 pm and will have dinner ready. If anything interferes with that plan, call ahead.”

Also, be upfront about whether you’d like to be included in a group visit or want this time together uninterrupted; she can visit her other friend another time. If she balks at your requests, stop inviting her.

She’s been taking your hospitality for granted… and you’ve been letting her.

My sister’s husband loves his young son, with limited patience. He frequently calls this 18-month child “a disaster” because he’s so active and curious. 

Even my sister will say, in front of the child, “he’s driving me crazy.”

Their attitude is that he’s “bad” because he climbs, reaches, runs, etc. I find the boy adorable and advanced, but don’t know how to change their view without being rejected for interfering.

- Worried Aunt

Be a model of patience when with them. Show the child where and what it’s safe to climb or reach or touch, remove objects that aren’t safe or are easily breakable, child-proof danger spots (a gate at open stairwells), etc. 

A book I like mainly for its different attitude (a great Christmas gift for the parents), is Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent and Energetic , by Mary Kurcink.