My husband is having an affair, and I don’t know how to approach him. He’s been a very unhappy person since the death of his sister, almost six years ago. He pulled away from me, and his young adult children, though still going through the motions of being a father and a husband.
He’s a decent man, decent provider, decent father – not fabulous at any but better than many. However, in the depths of his despair, he was a walking shadow. I haven’t seen him smile or laugh in years.
About four months ago, he came home with our daughter, laughing. I smelled a new scent and assumed it was her. The next day, I mentioned to her that I loved her new perfume, but she didn’t know which one I was referring to. Neither of us thought more of it.
But now that I look back, that was the first time I’d seen him happy in a long time, the first time I smelled that smell, and both have lingered. At first, I was happy he was happy, but then I recognized that shortly after he would get home, he would slowly go back to miserable.
I started to pay more attention, became suspicious and sneaky, and everything was confirmed when I “caught” him together with her, though they didn’t see me. So now what do I do?
The wife
The ball is in your court. Do you want to end your marriage with this (ultimately) decent but unhappy man? If yes, now’s your chance. Or would you like to spend the rest of your life with him and work on your marriage and his happiness?
If the latter, you’ll need to confront him. You’ll need to tell him that you know what’s going on. And, if you mean it, you’ll need to tell him that you’re willing to forgive him if he stops seeing her and goes to counselling with you.
The only issue will be if he says no and chooses her. You need to be prepared for that possibility. I suggest speaking to a lawyer to understand your situation, legally and financially, and a therapist to help you decide what you want, and how to handle it if he wants something else.
My boyfriend and I have been together for two months. It’s new but it’s fun and we really like each other. The only issue is that he refrained from telling me he only just got out of a very intense relationship, and his ex is pregnant with his baby, with whom he plans on being very involved.
I love and respect him for taking his daddy duties seriously, but why didn’t he tell me? Shouldn’t that have been the topic of conversation on our second or even third date? When I asked him, he said he just couldn’t find the right time.
I found out when I called and he answered by accident, there was a lot of muffled background noise, and it was clear he was at the hospital. I hung up, called back until he answered, worried he was sick or hurt. He was forced to tell me that his ex was having contractions, but that she’s not due yet.
What do I do with this information?
(Not my) Baby daddy
The decision is yours. He was clearly afraid to tell you, because of how it would affect your relationship. So, you can choose to walk now, early enough that you won’t be heartbroken. Or you can choose to stay and see where this ride takes you.
I’d give him a break on not telling you though. There’s no rule book and it’s hard to tell people news you know is going to rock them.
FEEDBACK Regarding the child hoping to transition (Feb. 26):
Reader #1 – “I don’t have an anti-trans position but both science and medicine are coming to some more nuanced approaches to gender dysphoria, especially with the rapid onset version typical of teen girls. The suggestion is that it is worth exploring the reasons behind the desire for transition. It is sometimes related to autism, depression, sexual abuse, same-sex attraction (but confusion about that), huge peer and internet influences, and so on.
“Canada is lagging behind other countries such as Britain where the recent Cass Report made radical changes based on research to the approach taken with gender-dysphoric teens.”
Reader #2 – “Thankfully Canada is not under the same influence as the States on this issue. I am not anti-trans, nor do I have any experience. But I do wish there was a system in place to help pre-adolescent children through this life-changing decision.”