My husband died last December. I had to make quite a few major decisions, and I moved in with my daughter.

My grandson, 16, has been badly spoiled by her, but I’d never before realized to what degree.

She allows him full control of everything - big club speakers, which he plays very, very, loud. When his friends visit, they take over the whole apartment.

My daughter and I were watching a show on my big-screen television in the front room, and my grandson ordered us out, to watch on his smaller bedroom TV. My daughter agreed.

He treats her badly, calling her terrible names when she doesn't bring him what he wants fast enough.

For four months I lived like this, being treated so badly. Then my daughter suggested we buy a house together. I thought things would be different with more room.

After one month, things are no better. The longhaired cat they promised to keep downstairs still roams the whole house. My grandson’s spilling his pop on my new leather couch. He has no respect for me or anyone else, or my belongings.

Because of his loud music, I have a constant thundering, vibrating in my ear. Earplugs didn’t help.

I’m on medication for high blood pressure and am trying to remain calm throughout this. But sometimes I feel so hopeless. I’m looking for a main-floor flat for September 1st. Is this the right decision?

Devastated

Move to a place that suits your personal needs, for a lifestyle that you choose and control most of the time.

Your daughter needs to know that you love her and want to stay connected… and yes, with your grandson too.

If you see him on occasion rather than live together, you may be able to model respect and consideration for others, both so important as he faces life beyond his self-centered teens.

Example: You can express interest in the music he likes, while explaining that you and many other people can’t handle that sound level.

It’s not uncommon for people to make hasty decisions after a major loss. The crucial thing is to recognize when it’s not working for you, and not be afraid or intimidated by others, when you decide to make a further change for your own well being.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who says she and her partner are complete opposites (May 2):
Reader - “I can relate. My spouse is a very driven person always on the go. I’m very levelheaded, at a much more steady speed. I feel alive from yoga and meditation, whereas he feels most alive in high-pressure situations. He runs his life with Excel spreadsheets. I find this level of organization tedious.
“Many times in our relationship I’ve felt drained from the high speeds, and need time to recoup and recover. But he sometimes feels drained when I can't keep up at the pace he likes.
“Last winter, through a sales training course he took, we read a book entitled Taking Flight, which describes four main personality types. It gave us the language and framework to understand each other’s point of views. We now also understand that these parts of ourselves are never going to change, but we can compromise and have compassion for each other’s position.
“He gets to maintain the speed that he feels exhilarated by, and I don't feel run into the ground.
“I highly recommend this book in addition to therapy.”

FEEDBACK Regarding the husband of 33-years who’s verbally abusive (April 23):

Reader – “Do NOT ever advise a victim to stay in that situation. Your words put shivers down my spine... "You should stay only if you have the strength to reject any form of control or abuse, and set new standards for your relationship."

“You should advise this woman to seek help immediately, at any given moment the verbal abuse can turn to physical abuse and her life may be in danger.”

Ellie – I include this letter even though it completely ignores that I further advised the woman, “stay with the counselling” she’d received, which encouraged her to leave this man. It also misses my point that the ONLY way for her to stay would be IF she’s developed, through therapy, the strength to reject his abuse.

Nevertheless, the message is worth repeating: No one should accept being abused.