My mother-in-law is very critical of me and doesn’t see it. She says I’m overly sensitive. We haven’t spoken since November. On more than one occasion she’s referred to me as “just the daughter-in-law.” 

My husband (we’re married four years) takes our son there to visit but I fear as he gets older things may only get worse. We need a solution now.

We’ve tried talking to her twice, and once without me there, but no luck. She refused to take responsibility for her hurtful actions.

- Desperate In-law

Having your husband onside is so crucial to your relationship; it should take the sting out of some of your MIL’s comments. 

She may be unknowingly problematic and super-sensitive herself - fearing she was losing her son and hanging on by acting superior to you through criticism.

Ironically, it pushes you and her son away. He must tell her this, without you present. He needs to reassure her of wanting her in your family life, but not unless she’s kind, accepting and uncritical with you. Otherwise, the result will be self-fulfilling prophecy as you two distance yourselves, and eventually her grandchild.

Don’t insist on apologies – make a serious outreach for harmony, not blame. If there’s change, show some yourself – ask for a recipe, admire the way she does something, i.e. let her see the benefit of having a fine daughter-in-law.

I’m 26, married for six years; together we have 4 children, one has severe autism and requires one-on-one care a lot. 

I’ve managed with children to graduate high school and vocational school. I’m responsible for paying all of the bills and caring for the kids but am no longer able to go out to work or college due to childcare costs. Yet I feel I must start contributing to the household or it’ll be to our financial demise.

My husband doesn’t share this stress and ignores my financial concerns, which angers and depresses me. I’ve become a lousy, depressed housewife feeling trapped and resentful towards him.

I always dreamed of becoming a Naval Officer, recently applied and was offered a fully paid education plus more than enough money to hire a full-time nanny and still contribute. My husband supports my decision but I’m not sure I should accept and sign my life away.

I worry that my family will resent me for it yet feel I may be damaging them by not being there.

I feel strongly that they’d be better cared for by a professional care-giver than me.

- Your Thoughts?

Delay your decision. Do NOT make a huge change while your thinking is muddled by anxiety and confusion. 

The military is a fine career, but it’s not just an escape from children or financial concerns. It requires a family’s commitment not only to help out, but also to understand and accept any long absences in faraway places. Your military colleagues would also need you to be strong emotionally, and sure of your reasons for being there.

First, get help with your autistic child – contact your local Autistic Society, to find out what’s available.

Second, see a physician about your depression – you’re overwhelmed by your responsibilities and obsessing on finances as a means of justifying leaving. But nannies are not the parents; you and Hubby still need to plan this move, or any other, with the right resources in place, and at the right time.

Ask for a deferral of the offer for six months, while you sort out everything.

We’re both 35, eight years together, in love. I have six kids ages 13-18 from my first 12-year relationship; their father isn’t in the picture. 

I’d love to marry my guy and have a baby together but he won’t consider that. But my kids love him and I’ve never been married.

Also, his family keeps asking when he’s going to get married and have a family, but we stay in separate houses. I don’t know where our relationship is headed.

- Confused

Lucky to be in a loving relationship with someone who’s great to your kids! 

The present is plenty for both of you to handle, without stressing about the future. So long as he’s around enough, quietly develop your partnership so that planning ahead starts to come naturally, talking about what you both want and need.

Do NOT try to convince him to have a baby just to secure him for marriage.