A close relative doesn’t know who her real father is. While she’s been led to believe by her single mother that it’s “X,” she’s never had any contact with him.
Strong physical evidence (appearance, colouring, body structure) and local gossip for years, have identified “Y” as her father.
He lives in the same town, married with a family.
Now that this young woman has marriage and motherhood in her immediate future, we (relatives) think it might be time to talk to her about this.
We’ve long been aware of the talk and can clearly see the paternal likeness, but we realize the immensity of this news and the upset that it might cause.
Also, is that her mother is psychologically and emotionally unstable and estranged from the rest of us (relatives) and the young woman is an only child.
An upcoming occasion would provide a good time to have a quiet talk with our young relative. What should we do?
Doing nothing is often the kindest, most profound act of caring.
This young woman has apparently not questioned you, or any other relatives about her father.
She apparently hasn’t spoken of a physical resemblance to “Y” who lives in the same community, or to his children.
When marriage and motherhood are eventually imminent, she may then seek some information, but she hasn’t yet.
Meanwhile, her mother’s fragile mental state is a strong reason for the rest of the family to not stir up a situation that can rebound very badly on the young woman.
So far, the town gossip hasn’t bothered her. Don’t let family gossip be what creates upheaval for her.
I’ve been dating a man for four months. I’m in my 40s; he’s ten years older. He introduced me to his son and daughter-in-law and took me to meet his elderly aunt. I naturally thought we were headed for a long-term future.
When he did recently say that he loved me, he added that he wanted me to understand that he believes in - and needs - multiple sex partners.
He said he loves me and will mostly be with me, but he will also be with other women.
I asked how that works and he said he has always had ongoing sexual relationships with several women simultaneously, and he believes that we’re meant to love more than one person at a time.
I said I needed to think about it, so we didn’t get together for the next few days. When we did, I found a moment when he went to the bathroom to look at his phone.
There were messages from another woman, with whom he’d spent the previous day. And he was making plans with a second woman.
When he was back in the room, I said it was over. I can’t accept being in equal standing with other women as his “loves.”
Can such relationships with more than one love-partner work?
The only answer that counts is this: It can’t work for you. You already voted with both your feet and your gut feelings by walking away from a relationship with him.
He was open with you about his needs, but only after he lured you in with introducing you to family. Meanwhile, he was already involved with other women.
You know from the first evidence of his plan, that you cannot accept this. So stick to your resolve and move on, now. He’s not going to change.
We own a small Florida condo that’s our home during the winter months.
How can we deal with the many people including friends and family who ask to stay from weeks to even months?
We don’t mind an occasional visitor but our place is small and we like our privacy.
Their desire for a break from winter is understandable. However, this is your limited-space retreat which you paid for and maintain, and for which you need boundaries about self-invited guests.
For them, two people are the limit, maximum stay is five nights, with two hotel-nights elsewhere if on one-week flight deals (okay, closest people can stay the week, if you’re okay with that).
When children are added, or a longer stay is requested, have ready information on affordable accommodation nearby. (Some people host their grandkids and have the parents stay elsewhere.)
For less-close friends and relatives, provide a list of hotels/motels and rental units in your area.
Tip of the day:
Uncertain paternity is delicate emotional territory. Offering “revelations” can be deeply harmful to the people involved.