My two best friends had been together for five years, broke up at 17, while remaining friends. They then decided to distance from each other, but were both miserable.

She went to therapy for two sessions; he hasn't gone at all. Instead, he's been in a relationship with a girl who resembles his ex. He isn't really interested in her. The "ex'es" ask about the other, and run into each other at various family and friends' functions. His "girlfriend" knows little of their past, and is unhappy in the relationship (she said so at a party).

Recently, his former girlfriend was in a car crash. He left his current girlfriend when he was called. (His number was still first on her speed dial). He ran to the hospital, stayed until she woke up, said hi, and then left. They haven't talked since.

He's depressed again, and she's thrown herself into her work. Both are barely answering their cell-phones, or emails, or seeing anyone or each other. What do I do to help them?

Sad Story

Speak up once to both, then back off. This is their story, not yours.

A close friend has the right to say, once, that it's terrible to see them struggling so hard against what they both really want, which is to be together. Clearly, therapy can't work, if the stated purpose is to learn how to stay apart, when their will is to re-connect.

Making themselves miserable is counter-productive to moving forward. And it's destructive to other people to attempt to be in relationships without true feelings for them.

Say your piece, then revert to the rule about other people's romances: MYOB.

I'm in my 20s, and live with my best friend, "A." We share the same friends and hang out socially. We get along great. But lately a casual friend's been courting a close friendship with her, and leaving me out.

"B" constantly makes plans with "A" and comes into our house to pick her up, but doesn't ask me to join them. She's rude and condescending to me, but compliments "A" a lot.   I've tried personally inviting "B" to something but then she'll ignore me. She never invites me to anything. I've also made plans with other friends, but it seems rude not to invite "A" ...then "B" ends up tagging along!

I spoke to "A" about it, and that maybe they could meet outside the house or make their own plans separate from mine. She agreed, apologized sincerely, and even confessed that she felt "B" was clingy and overbearing... but then the same things happened again.

I feel excluded and lonely in my own home and with my own friends. It's probably best if I not live with "A" again when the lease is up, but how do I make this situation bearable until then?

Pushed Away

You've aired your complaints and been understood, but since nothing's changed, you have to do the changing. When alone in the house with "A" be as friendly as ever, but otherwise get out even more with other friends, and don't ask "A" to join. She'll know why.

It's wise to start looking for a new roomie as soon as possible, and get enthused about the new place, and any other new opportunities like joining a gym or pursuing an interest.

You need to get pro-active about your practical understanding that you're the one who can best improve things.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who's fiancé is devoted to hunting and fishing hobbies (March 26):

Reader - "I'm writing from Mauritius in the Indian Ocean because I know that fishing's a hobby for people who like some loneliness periodically.

"Going with his brother suggests a close bond. Maybe they need time just between them. Okay, he's pushing it too far. But he could be getting cold feet about marriage and fearing his "wife" will eventually manipulate him into giving up his hobbies.

"They need to talk until they find a compromise. Ending the relationship would be insensitive and immature. Staying together everyday with the person you love is the biggest reward for a bit of patience and psychology.

"She should make him realize she's not trying to come between him and his hobbies or brother, yet she needs attention too. Also, give him part of the wedding to organize, so he feels important."