Mothers-in-Law speak out:

My three daughters-in-law (DIL's) are beautiful, smart, well educated, successful and treat me well. It's natural for a DIL to turn to her own family for help, advice, social events, and babysitting ahead of her in-laws. But in some families it's so one-sided that mothers-in-law (MIL's) feel left out.

I'm proud of my sons and all their life choices including their wives. Yet I'm still seen as some kind of cranky-pants.

I have to filter what I say until I'm mostly just nodding. It's uncomfortable to know that you're going to be pilloried for a so-called transgression.

This is a very real problem where some of us need advice. We already focus on the strong points. And we offer, invite, and help whenever possible. All we want is to be included in our sons' lives just as the DIL's parents/family are.

We're looking for equal time, and ability to pass judgement on whether the grass is green, without being dismissed as "difficult."

Do we speak to our sons about our good intentions... alone, or with DIL present? By email or registered letter, or facilitated exchange with a qualified professional?

Mother of Sons

Having stated in your thoughtful letter that your DIL's are "smart, well-educated, successful and treat me well," I say you're lucky, despite some disappointments.

Your sons have reflected your own values, by choosing women you can admire.

Being a good MIL means knowing that your sons are happy, accepting that their wives will turn to their own mothers first, and NOT being surprised when they differ with your opinion.

They're from different people's upbringings, living in a different era with different pressures.

I, too, am an MIL. The old phrase that a wise MIL knows when NOT to speak holds true (not so easy for an advice columnist!)

NEVER send complaints, criticisms, or probing questions by email or registered letter.... the very gesture can be misunderstood. Professional mediating is worthwhile, but should only be suggested when there's serious trouble between you and your sons.

If you're being intentionally ignored, excluded, or offended, raise it with your son and his wife together, without going on the attack. Family harmony should be a reward in itself.

I'm nice, well respected, and get along well with everyone other than my DIL (now ex). When they married, I was extremely happy! I ignored being left out of the wedding photos, which were directed by her mother.

My first grandchild was so exciting! Because my son and DIL lived a good distance away, I made a nursery at our house to save them transporting baby supplies. My daughter and I decorated the nursery at their home.

I was told that I was not taking over my grandson's life. I was repeatedly denied access unless we groveled. He was held up as a pawn. He hardly knows us except for birthdays and Christmas.

He asked if he could stay with us when they separated. NO was the answer from a very vindictive DIL.

Missed Out

It clearly turned out to be an unhappy relationship for your son, too. He needs your support now. Forget the past unpleasantness with your ex-DIL and encourage your son to seek amicable joint custody.

What matters most is the security of your grandson.

But your experience is a lesson for other MIL's. If your DIL behaves as a woman with low self-esteem, immaturity, and a tendency to blame you for difficulties with your son, back off.... it's not really about you at all.

FEEDBACK Regarding the bride who didn't want her previously troublesome relative who was recently released from jail, present at her wedding (Oct. 10):

Reader - "I have an approach about wedding guest lists, which I promise to use with all my children.

"This is the bride and groom's wedding, so the guest list should be made by the bridal couple only. It means they're choosing friends and relatives who are the closest and meaningful for them to have on their big day.

"Parents (or aunts, other relatives, even neighbours) who are manipulating or guilt-tripping the couple to add extra guests are forgetting that and putting themselves first.

"There are going to be plenty of opportunities in the future to invite this person to other family gatherings, as he demonstrates over time that he deserve to be trusted."

An excellent approach, requiring a bride and groom to be confident of their own choices.