My fiancé of two years (together four and a half years) and I are marrying this summer. I suspected his infertility early on. He and his long-time girlfriend had never used protection, so that was a red flag. She left him when she became pregnant with another man’s baby.
He’s extremely sensitive about infertility, but I pushed for testing. It took four whole years to do because at every stage he’d have a meltdown when the results were looking bad. He’d take months to recover.
He stayed in bed for two days after the first negative test. His biggest wish was to be a father and I know he’d be an excellent one, he’s such a good man.
When I tried to talk to him, I was met with anger, resentment, and silence. I didn’t know how to take that so I mourned quietly and was there for him when he came out of it.
When we learned that it was 100% sure that he doesn’t have the chromosomes to produce sperm, I cried a lot.
He begged me not to leave him. Of course, I’d stay, he’s the love of my life!
The doctors mentioned my having donor sperm, and I said No. My fiancé said, thank God you feel that way or I’d have to leave you.
When my father died recently, I changed my mind. I’m not infertile. Also, there are long waits for domestic and/or international adoptions.
I’m 40. Why can’t we just use my body to have a baby?
My fiancé wouldn’t talk to me for an entire day after we argued about this. He asked where he’d be in this plan. I said he’d be there every step of the way, the father of our child.
But he couldn’t accept that the baby wouldn’t look like him and said he couldn’t explain that to people.
I said, okay we’ll adopt. But he wouldn’t.
He asked me if he’d had sperm and wanted to get a surrogate pregnant would I be okay with it? I said I’d love that baby till I died. It’d be our baby.
It took a day for him to cool down and forgive me. He was even going to get a hotel.
I’m mourning not only never being able to have my own child but also my partner being cruel about it.
We’re good people with a great life and beautiful home to give a child and we can’t have one. I understand it’s all chance but we lost.
I love my soon-to-be husband. He tried to say we should split up because of this and I said, that’s the easy way out.
I need to get over this. I’m mourning deeply. Any advice would be welcomed.
Denied A Child
If you and your husband-to-be end this discussion with nothing truly resolved, it’s likely your marriage won’t last.
He’s issued an ultimatum: His way only. No sperm donor, no adoption, no child.
Plenty of women, married or single, choose not to be a mother, but that’s not you.
If you can believe that your relationship can still provide mutual love and a “great life” without a child, then switch your emotional gears the best you can. You’ll undoubtedly need professional therapy to help you do that.
But if your desire for a child remains this strong, you and he need counselling together to weigh another solution that you can both accept.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the husband accusing his working wife of cheating while he’s at home (April 10):
“I was married to a cheater for 18 years. Long before I knew he was the cheater, he always questioned my relationships with other men. I never cheated, never showed interest in other men and we had a healthy sex life.
“But a cheater thinks like a cheater, and that everyone “thinks” like they do. A monogamous person thinks like a monogamous person and these people are often clueless to the cheater because they cannot “think” otherwise, it’s not in their DNA to lie and cheat.
“Whenever I confronted my ex-husband on his accusations, he resorted to his insecurities because of past relationships, which were really just excuses.
“My theory on her husband is that he’s either thinking of cheating or has started to cheat. She needs to have a closer look at what he’s doing rather than defending her actions.”
Tip of the day:
Lifetime-affecting decisions often appear more easily with the help of professional therapy (available virtually).