I’ve been married for 13 years and since I emigrated here eight years ago, I felt like my marriage started another season: Spring.
Before, we lived at my parents and they were a huge help babysitting our first son.
Here, we were on our own.
Initially, my husband worked full-time, I worked from home. Going back to school would be a better option, if each took turns.
Our second child arrived along with the winter of our marriage. My husband got laid off.
I had to help financially for the next years with a long-hours shift job including weekends.
I became sleep-deprived, my health was very affected. After my husband started a job, I took some long-distance courses which led to more distance between us.
We became like strangers extremely busy in different directions.
A male colleague helped me realize that I had to slow down and take care of myself. Soon, I reached a life crisis and crashed.
I poured my heart out to this colleague, because he was a great listener and adviser, and very nice to me.
Earlier he sent me indirect messages through symbols like rings and marriage as an answer for why he helped me so much.
He socialized a lot with female colleagues and many times I thought he crossed the line of personal space with me and others, too.
But I didn’t have time for socializing at work and also didn’t enjoy it.
I then saw this guy as very deceiving as he even started spreading personal things about me to others, some of them untrue. I decided to work out my marriage and ignore him.
At work, I tried to keep to professional discussions even if it was hard sometimes to push away my feelings which had developed overtime.
We never had a date outside work, but my honor was damaged by a lot of gossip. I had a depression.
I didn’t separate from my husband as he tried so hard to save our marriage, getting a night shift job in order to spend more time together as a family.
He knows that I now cannot say that I love him and he’s okay with that, for the sake of our children.
Unfortunately, my deep feelings are still for somebody who hurt me so much and it’s an impossible relationship with suddenly changing moods.
That man thought that I could guess everything that was on his mind, but relationship communication was very difficult for us.
My heart’s still broken but, in my marriage, I hope to have springtime again.
Now I work in a different place and I’m trying to concentrate better at work.
Is it in vain that I’m hoping for a fresh start in my marriage?
You write poetically about the difficulties so many people face from leaving a home country, re-settling, and struggling to build a future for your children.
It takes huge effort and focus to succeed at all this, and many marriages make it, but many others are strained close to the breaking point.
Unfortunately, a man whom I see from your description as a “player,” muddied your decent efforts.
Through cultural misunderstanding, while he was playing mind games, you were mistakenly seeing romantic rescue from the hard work of a marriage.
You know better, now. Your husband proved himself loyal, loving and remarkably understanding.
Put this story behind you. Your fresh start is right now.
Readers’ Commentary Regarding whether young women should be warned that romances with older men inevitably lead to being left without a life companion (June 24):
“My answer is, Yes, Yes, Yes. I was a young woman pursued by a man 15 years older - a hard-working entrepreneur, separated for several years.
“I used to laugh about the age difference and say, “he wore me down.”
“We were a very successful team and he already had five children. But 12 years later, I was a 46-year-old widow with no kids, no job, enough money to live, and a property portfolio to manage.
“Nobody else could fill his shoes. He was one of a kind.
“Should I have married him? No. I never even thought about an early death for him and a long life without him. I considered all the other pitfalls but not that.
“I might’ve listened, if somebody had mentioned it.”
Tip of the day:
Marriage has periods of hard work. Don’t be seduced by someone else playing fast and loose with your feelings.