What’s your take on people who’ve never been married and are well into their 40s or older?
Should this be a red flag to a prospective partner, that they have issues relating to relationships or commitment?
Or did finding the right partner just never happen for them?
I know some five people in that demographic who’ve never married, live alone but do have relationships.
While considering the “red flags” out there, add the one about people who make conclusions about others, based only on limited facts. The reality for those five people is as different from one to the other as are the reasons why others marry at 18, 25 or 50.
If you have a personal stake in whether some people are relationship-worthy, you have to make the effort to get to know them. Some people are commitment-phobic; others have had relationships that didn’t work out.
But some will repeat a pattern in their relationships, until they meet someone they truly love, and push themselves to change.
My in-laws are ruining my marriage and sanity! They’re constantly on the phone with my husband, at least three times a day, even we go on a family trip!
They have nothing good or encouraging to say.
I'm busy raising twin girls but my sister-in-law informed me that the tone of my voicemail sounds very tired (therefore I should change it).
They laugh when we panic (as good parents usually do) and rush to the doctor if we feel that our girls are sick.
They are WAY too involved in our life and, sadly, my husband likes it that way.
He gets very upset when I say how much the constant calls annoy me.
I sometimes don't answer the phone when his mother or sisters call.
I want to be respectful of everyone's feeling, but how do I resolve this inner turmoil I experience with every ring!
- Trying Not To Scream
Do NOT pick up the phone, and don't listen to messages until you have a moment when you aren't exhausted.
Meanwhile, set aside a "no-answer" time to talk to your husband as a partner about this.
He doesn't mind the calls, and likes his family's interest… so he should be taking and returning most of their calls.
However, you need to allow him some leeway for this, without feeling resentment.
The level of your annoyance suggests that he may be telling them more than you feel is appropriate.
Tell him you respect his right to family connections but you two need to establish – calmly but firmly – some limits on "outside" interference.
Also, explain that the demands of raising twins have you tired and pre-occupied, so that frequent daily calls are too intrusive on your limited time together.
He should let his parents and sisters know the more convenient time for calling – once - or, he'll call them back when he can.
Once you have his understanding, try to work on your own: after all, when raising children, especially multiples, an extra pair of hands can be very helpful.
Unless these in-laws are totally toxic, you may appreciate them more if you allow them some time to be helpful.
Once included more casually and with reasonable limits, they may become more positive around you.
About In-laws: You can get my personal help with in-law relationships, through my weekly Slice-TV show, “Outlaw In-laws.” To learn more about participating or watching the show, email [email protected] or see www.helpmyfamily.ca.
I’ve known my friend for two years but we don’t get to see each other often so I don’t know her fiancé well.
I’ve been invited to the wedding ceremony; the reception is only for family and close friends.
I totally understand and would like to give a gift, but am not sure what would be appropriate.
They’re not registered, but I’m not sure if cash would be appropriate in this instance.
- Partial Guest
Good for you for understanding wedding invitation limits!
Cash gifts are always appreciated by newlyweds, but you may find the amount (say, anywhere between $50 and $100, depending on what you can afford and feels right to you) doesn’t seem appropriate in that form.
If so, consider a useful kitchen gift from a store where it can be returned (e.g. salad bowl, cheese tray, wine cooler) or a gift certificate from a store that sells household goods.
Tip of the day:
Mature singles may’ve not married for a variety of reasons that should not be guessed.