A year ago I went away on business with a co-worker (we’re both males). We ended up sharing not only a room but also the reality that we were both curious about having sexual contact with a man. We engaged in relations with each other that night, and once every couple of months since.
We’re both happily married and consider ourselves bisexual.
If she found out, there’s no way my wife would understand, while otherwise things are great between us.
Is it better to tell her and suffer the consequences, or let her go on in blissful ignorance?
- A Tough Choice
Once you tell your wife, you can expect a reaction of anger, hurt, the possibility of her wanting to separate, or, if lucky, her insistence you both go to counselling to work this out.
But if you don’t tell her and she finds out – which usually happens – there’ll be fury at your betrayal and deceit, and far less chance that she’d consider staying together.
Meanwhile, despite your considering her “blissfully ignorant,” you’ve put her at risk of sexually transmitted diseases (ensuring safe sex is often neglected in stolen encounters), plus public humiliation if someone else discovers your affair.
The choices ahead are crummy, but so is this situation that’s bound to eventually erupt. Speak up and take responsibility.
For 20 months my relationship with my younger brother has become strained because we dislike each other’s partners. We used to talk all the time and ask each other for advice but now we hardly speak. And we both try to avoid each other when his girlfriend or my boyfriend is around.
Worse, when we do see each other (usually at my parents) his girlfriend flirts incessantly with my boyfriend. My mom and I noticed that this has sparked my boyfriend’s interest.
She’s a complete attention-seeker but now that my boyfriend is intrigued by her I’m annoyed and feeling insecure. Nothing’s happened yet but my only solution is to avoid my brother and her but this is difficult as my family often have gatherings together.
How do I make things better between my brother and I and not give our partners the opportunity to cheat or her the opportunity to taunt me? My brother’s planning to marry her.
- Troubled older sister
This is about you and your boyfriend, not about The Flirt. If you can’t trust him, if he doesn’t know and respond to your feelings about this woman, or about any women who openly compete for him, then he’s not as committed as you thought. He may not be the right guy for you.
Leave your brother out of this and talk to your boyfriend. If he plays dumb about his reactions to her, and continues to appear fascinated when they’re together, you have to decide what to do about him, not her.
Once that’s settled one way or the other, re-consider your relationship with the person who’s going to become your sister-in-law. Her needing attention doesn’t have to mean that you and your brother can’t see or talk to each other. Try to be friendly with her, and help her see you’re not out to preoccupy your brother, but rather just to continue being close family.
Be aware, however, that when men marry, they naturally start to confide in their mates more often than their siblings, and it’s a normal part of forging their union.
We had a close friendship, tried to be a couple, but decided to end the relationship after several months.
We soon realized that our feelings were still strong, and became friends with benefits.
He then met another women, I was hurt; we made up and went back to how it was.
Then, when drinking, he kissed another woman.
We decided to cut all romantic ties, yet we love each other.
Can we be together and still be best friends?
Cut to the bone: You’re trying to have sex, be best friends but not a couple, yet control who he dates or kisses. The reality is that you are not cut out emotionally for a “friends with benefits” deal.
Take a complete break from each other for six months.
If you’re both drawn back, not just for catch-up sex, but for working at a dating relationship, fine.
Otherwise, forget it.
Tip of the day:
An extramarital affair is always risky, but secret sexual encounters with a same-sex lover is like playing with matches and dynamite.