My wife and I love each other a lot, and we work together.
Recently, when I needed something on her computer I found a message from an old boyfriend. She tells me when he chats with her, and I really don’t like it.
He wanted to know if he could stop by to see her. She replied that she didn’t know if I was picking my kids up from day care, she’d let him know.
When confronted, she said that he was coming to the office to see her, and say hi.
First, she said that she was going to go outside and get in the car with this guy; later she said she’d say hi from the outside of the car.
I asked how she would’ve reacted if it was me doing this, and she stated she’d have left me like a bag of bricks.
We’ve been together for two years and I’ve never met him; yet she calls him a “friend.”
What am I to do?
Tell your wife the only way to clear the air is for the three of you to meet and treat this guy as a “family friend.” Tell her that by purposefully arranging meetings for when you’re not there, she’s sending him worrisome messages: 1) that they still have a private connection; 2) that she’s willing to deceive you; 3) that she’s toying with leading him on. If she acts like she doesn’t get it, alert her to the fact that you too can dump “a bag of bricks” that becomes too hard a burden to bear.
My ex-boyfriend (we dated officially for five months, and unofficially for 18 months beforehand) broke up with me in a text message on my birthday. He gave no reasons; when I inquired, he ignored me.
He’s since contacted me saying he wants us to be “friends.” I said he’d first have to explain about the break-up.
We met, and he said he was stressed at the time, going through big changes (returning to school), and had some family issues. Finally, I felt I had closure.
Then, a close friend said my ex has been calling another of our girlfriends and hanging out with her. He approached her only a few days after he broke up with me. He’s been calling/messaging her all the time!
Now I feel his explanation to me was all a lie, and so was every minute we spent together.
Should I tell him that I know the truth why he left me?
“Closure” comes when you stop caring what he does, or why.
Even if he had been under stress, a caring boyfriend would communicate about his problems and explain why he needs time on his own. Your guy just cut and ran, with no concern for your feelings.
By seeking friendship now, he wants to be “forgiven,” so he can get on with his life and other girlfriends, without any pangs of conscience or anyone knowing what a jerk he’s been.
Ignore him. But do NOT make the foolish mistake of turning this around on yourself. Yes, he lied when he tried to whitewash his coldly messaged breakup. But that doesn’t mean everything in the past was a lie; thinking so will only have you doubting yourself as well as distrusting the potential boyfriends you meet.
Forget this guy. Don’t contact him, and show no curiosity about his present girlfriend relationship. You’re the lucky one, not her.
I’m a male, 32, who needs counselling, as I’m very insecure and clingy when I’m in a relationship. I have a tendency to follow my girlfriend if I feel she’s cheating.
I don’t want to go through life feeling I can’t trust anyone and always pushing people away with my insecurity.
Are there any free programs so that I can get help?
- Insecure in Chicago
You’re on the right path, by recognizing that you need to learn to change your self-defeating behaviour. There are non-profit social service agencies that offer counselling, with an affordable fee based on income.
Start by contacting your local community agencies for a referral, and ask for any therapists who specialize in self-esteem issues, and any support groups for men with relationship problems.
Examining why you bring neediness and a lack of confidence to relationships can give you insight and empowerment to turn this pattern around.
Tip of the day:
Sneaking around to see an ex is demeaning to the couple’s relationship.