My girlfriend of two years is immature, selfish, argumentative, irresponsible, insecure, and lack's self control when angry. We can't go a week without her saying something negative about what I did, said, don't do, etc. Once, she spotted a woman with whom she’d had a dispute, accused me of looking at her, and then jumped out of the car. I’d never seen this person.  
      She’s gone through my phone, asked me about my friends on MySpace, frequently asked me if I’m cheating or talking to other women or flat out accused me of cheating. Also, I’ve bought parts and repaired her car, bought her a gym membership, given her small amounts of money, filled up her refrigerator, and more. Yet I’m accused of doing close to nothing for her, compared to others.  
      I’m 24, she’s 23. My income’s just enough to support myself. She has a job and her income should provide for her. We’ve spoken many times about what needs to change if we’re going to continue, but we end up arguing again. I’ve asked for space while I seek clarity on what to do.  
      She said she loves me and wants to be together. We share a vision of being a partnership and treating each other with respect and dignity without compromising self-worth; when we’re not in battle, we have a great time together. What’s your advice for each of us, and together?
      - Tired of Drama

For YOU: Hold onto that space and figure out whether you and your girlfriend only know how to talk the talk, but not how to walk it. Despite visions of a healthy relationship, the one you two have is a mess.  
      You describe her contributing faults, but you don’t explain why you’ve hung on. It’s no help to just react to the other person, and not recognize what you may be contributing too. Or else, save yourself and break up.  
      For HER: If these jealousies, moods, demands, etc. are frequent and ongoing, discover and deal with what’s fuelling it all, or it’ll ruin every relationship.  
      Together? No chance of success, unless you both mature through serious self-discovery and time apart.

In your August 24 column, I thought you missed a chance with the African-American woman who was invited to her white friend's baby shower. She didn't want to go because her friend had said her in-laws were racist.  
      I agree with you that she should tell her friend the truth. But she could certainly gauge whether her friend wanted her to brave attending or not. Wouldn't her friend prefer that she be there? Might she have been just warning the African-American woman? And how will these in-laws ever change without engaging with black people?  
      Most people are racist out of ignorance and fear - showing them that they have nothing to fear is a big step toward changing their attitudes.
      - Interested Reader

Thank you for bringing a thoughtful added perspective to this sensitive topic. Your question, “How will people change?” is most significant. It’s a message to ALL of us to not give up on using opportunities that arise, to challenge others’ ignorance and fear.  
      My answer – that she celebrate the upcoming birth with her friend and colleagues – was a response to her already-firm decision, “I do not want to attend! I don’t want to spend an afternoon with people who clearly don’t want to have me around.”  
      Your approach can help people look at such decisions with a larger purpose in mind, if they can handle it.

My boyfriend and I (dating eight years, with three apart) are late 30s, ambitious professionals and only get together on weekends. His divorced mother moved in with him. When he calls, she must talk too. She constantly tells us to not screw up because she hopes we can stay together forever.  
      When we’re out together, either he calls her or she calls him. Yet when she’s along, she ignores me. Does she really like me? Did he come back after our break-up because he loves me or does she love me?
      Mom’s Choice?

Your doubts about HIM are more important than those about his mother. By now, you should feel sure of his feelings. Problems with her could then be discussed between you two. He should tell her to back off your relationship, especially the dire warnings. But he’s too enmeshed with her, and you’re being sidelined. Find a true “forever.”