I thought my long marriage was in its death throes. Over eight years, my husband became increasingly angry, uncommunicative, and unmotivated. Our family doctor prescribed anti-depressants, which didn’t help.
I started believing he was passively-aggressively trying to force me to be the bad guy and leave.
Then, an off-hand comment saved my marriage.
My husband’s suffering from low testosterone. When I researched it, I almost cried - he had almost every symptom. Our relationship was suffering from all the negative effects.
He’s now seeing a men's health specialist, getting vitamin D and testosterone supplements.
And I’m getting my husband and marriage back.
What a great result from doing some research!
A simple search on www.healthline.com yields this:
Both males and females produce the hormone testosterone, but much more in men. Because it affects many functions (including sex drive and sperm production) its decrease can cause significant physical and emotional changes.
Physical changes include decreased sex drive, fewer erections, less muscle strength and increased fatigue. Emotional changes can cause sadness or depression, trouble with memory and concentration, lowered motivation, and self-confidence.
Yours is a lesson in being proactive if a partner’s behaviour takes an unusual turn. This can happen with both women and men.
Too often, the spouse feels that love is lost and the relationship’s likely to end.
We need to think logically, instead. Consider the most likely factors involved in major changes: e.g., age-related symptoms, possible depression, physical changes. Do some basic research.
Then contact your family doctor.
I retired early, so volunteered for a non-profit organization with 50 volunteers and 2.5 full or part-time employees, including a 75-year-old manager. I created a new volunteer position as IT Support person.
I spent hundreds of hours over almost two years upgrading their computers. I did a lot from home and on-site, intending to spend four to eight hours weekly but often spending up to 13 hours.
However, even after all the upgrades, the manager’s completely leaning on me, bombarding me with questions, many of them “dumb questions.” I had to limit my availability to six hours weekly.
I tried to be very patient explaining things, but it’s all “too confusing” or “ridiculous” for her. She’d frequently misplace files because she’s poorly organized.
I set up a booking tool, but she still calls me repeatedly to make updates.
I don’t want to leave them hanging because they’d be lost without me. But it’s very frustrating when the manager herself doesn’t make an effort to learn to use computers properly. I don’t know whether it’s reluctance, inability, or age-related.
I’d intended to contribute by volunteering, but in my own terms. I’m providing a free service that’d normally cost them a lot. I don’t want it to take over my life.
It’s generous of you to volunteer your skills. The upgrades and teaching are likely very appreciated. What that would otherwise cost the organization isn’t an issue since you’ve chosen to provide these services free.
But your focus on the older woman’s lack of technical skills is diminishing your good intent. As a non-profit organization, there’s probably a board in charge of their full/part-time employees. Barring any changes, your volunteer position includes supporting her.
Rather than get frustrated about her lack of skills consider asking one of the other volunteers who “gets” the technical side, to help her out.
Otherwise, by considering her questions “dumb,” you’re setting up for a confrontation that’s not in keeping with your good intentions.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose boyfriend wants her pension but won’t put her name on the house (March 2):
Reader – “This scenario is a huge RED FLAG! Her partner wants to take away her only financial asset without anything in return. She needs to be advised to say NO re: her pension; and seek a local community legal education association regarding laws/information in her jurisdiction and consider getting actual legal advice.
I know too many women financially "screwed over" by their partners/husbands especially when the women have been in a weaker financial position (which statistically is the norm). Being too trusting that the partner is being honest about all his assets is also far too common!
An old saying still holds true: Every woman is one divorce away from poverty. Therefore, in my experience the message to all women should be: Hang onto, protect and fight for your assets.
Tip of the day:
When a loved one’s behaviour undergoes disturbing changes, research possible causes, and contact your family doctor.