I recently discovered sexting on my wife's phone, with some guy I don’t know. It was explicit, with her details about how she envisioned him seducing her and having hot sex that ends with huge orgasms.

I felt like I’d been punched in the heart, betrayed, really sad, and hurt.

We’ve been together and married since 1988.

Until the last few years, we were still having sex fairly regularly, but over time it felt like my physical attraction to her was diminishing. I’m 54, she’s 50.

I confronted her. She didn’t want to talk to me about it and said we’d talk the next day.

She said I’ve been pushing her away for two years and that we had no emotional connection anymore. She felt as if we’re just roommates.

I said that her sexting, including telling this guy that she loved him, was no different from her actually having a flat-out affair behind my back!

Her response was that it was just fun and that she’d met this person on-line, I assume in a chat room.

She told me how she felt I told her how this sexting made me feel.

She’s now put a password block on her phone and iPad. My gut feeling is that there’s a lot more going on than what she’s telling me.

There were some texts back from this guy saying that they should meet up in a hotel somewhere.

I'm wondering if my lack of emotional and physical attention  to her over the past while has forced her to look elsewhere for it?

I still have a healthy sex drive, but she also knows that I’ve fantasized and masturbated while watching porn on the Internet, which is obviously not helping because I’m sure she feels that I prefer that over her.

But I told her that looking at porn is in no way close to what she’s done with this guy and, to me, she’s cheated.

Now it seems she’s continuing to do something that she’s hiding from me.

When we were younger in the 80's I also caught her cheating with another guy, after which we broke up.

She later called me and wanted to get back together, which I did.
It feels like this is going to get a whole lot worse because if she’s already met this guy and had sex, she may have taken this beyond the point of reconciliation for us.
Would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

Deadlock

You’re busy imagining more sexual scenarios but still avoiding doing something about your part in all this.

You acknowledge having abandoned your wife emotionally and physically, and openly turning to porn instead of her.

Now, look in the mirror. Your behaviour felt like emotional cheating to her, too. At least her fantasy seeking (which is what her sexting has amounted to so far) wasn’t in your face till you found it on her phone.

(The 35-year-old episode is irrelevant today).

Meanwhile, you seem more riled up about her secret, than about actually losing her. If you want your marriage to continue, you have to actively show you still love and desire her.

Stop the reliance on porn (which dulls the desire for sex with a real person).

Do whatever else it takes – individual counselling for your lack of affection towards her and giving yourself the excuse of age, couples’ counselling about you withdrawing without explanation and her retreating into fantasy.

Treat her sexting as the wake-up call you both needed.

My wife’s son is getting married. Her ex-husband will attend.

She’s wondering whether the dance of the groom’s mother and dad is appropriate since I have no desire to see her dance with him.

So if it does happen, I’ll just make myself scarce.
He has not remarried.

What are the protocols here?

The Husband

There are too many complicated combination and permutations in today’s families for hard and fast rules.

Since your wife’s uncertain and you’re not comfortable, she should not dance with her ex.

If he has a serious girlfriend, or there’s someone appropriate who’d dance with him e.g. a sister, or the groom’s grandmother, that’d be fine.

Then your wife should dance with you.

However, it’s also possible to skip this part of “tradition,” and form another - e.g. The groom dances with his bride, then with his mother.

You then join his mother and all other guests are invited to the dance floor.