My boyfriend quit smoking for me. I believed we loved each other; we’d split up briefly but got back together. 

His secretary (call her “X”) and I were on Facebook together along with some of their clients. “X” wrote about being happy that her smoking partner was back.

My guy admitted he was smoking again; we discussed it.

The next day, “X” wrote that her boss had no balls. I wrote to her that if she had an issue with him, to talk to him about it, not put it on Facebook.

She went ballistic, and so did he. They both told me not to get involved in office business.

He accused me of a trend of getting involved (not true).

We’ve since split up. Is it me?

Telling her not to do that IS NOT office business, her actions were unprofessional because his clients were on her page.

I know she did this on purpose - she didn’t know we got back together until the smoking issue came up, and she retaliated.

I told him that if he’d informed me she hated me, this wouldn’t have happened.

- Am I wrong?

You and “X” both overstepped boundaries, but the person who was “wrong” was your boyfriend who didn’t tell either of you what’s acceptable and what isn’t. 

Knowing his secretary was on Facebook along with clients, he should’ve made it clear that nothing personal about him, or his relationships, were open topics for discussion.

With you, he should’ve drawn the lines on relating to his staff.

A good secretary is an important relationship, too, and one he needed to protect by helping you know the limits between you and “X.” But you could’ve been more discreet – by talking directly to him about the “no balls” reference, which was then up to him to handle.

Apologize to him. If you love him, it’s also worth swallowing your pride and apologizing to her too. When he sees that you care more about him than being right (true?), you two may be able to re-connect and work on more than the smoking issue.

For 13 years living together, we’ve kept our finances separate. My spouse said all his assets will go to his daughter; only his pension will go to me. 

We live in my mortgage-free house; he pays for half of the overhead. He sold his house where his daughter and boyfriend lived, and plans to buy them a townhouse from the proceeds.

I have paid all improvements to our house; he believes his labour on the renovations shows his commitment.

I feel jealousy towards my stepdaughter, who’s 34. Her father constantly helps her out financially.

I don’t know how to undo this mess.

- Upset

You’re letting jealousy overrule reality. 

If you entered into this relationship without a pre-nuptial agreement about your house, you need legal advice to see if it remains your asset only.

If he can make a claim against it, then you need to talk about what’s fair in this relationship.

As your own asset, the cost of renovations was yours to bear since you’re the one who benefits from its value.

The “mess” can be undone, if you two have enough love and respect for each other. But it must start with your getting past your negative feelings toward his daughter – which is partly why he’s so protective of her; he knows you’re unlikely to pitch in if she really needs help.

My wife of two years (together for five) says she wants to have one child; yet we’ve never had sex. When asked about it, she says, “don’t push me.” It’s like being backstabbed. 

She said we’d have sex by last December; it’s another year, and still nothing.

- Frustrated

This goes beyond a battle of wills. You shouldn’t have to rely for marital sex on rare promises. 

Your marriage needs professional help, BEFORE you consider raising a child together. Clearly, you haven’t any common understanding of what love, intimacy, and sex means.

Perhaps she has deep-rooted emotional fears of sex.

Perhaps you made a deal when dating that one or both regrets.

Whatever happened, your life together will continue to be troubled, unless you find middle ground.

Your doctor can refer you to a couples’ counsellor, or a therapist for your wife. Otherwise, start thinking through how long you’re willing to live this way.