I’m 54, father of two sons, divorced for 22 years. 

My younger son, 24, has Grade 8 education and no job. He was diagnosed with ADHD when young. He smokes marijuana and is bad-tempered. I suspect he suffers from depression.

He badly damaged his mother’s place, so she’s moved to a small apartment.

He damaged his girlfriend’s parents’ rental unit and defaulted on rent, so had to leave there, too.

He’s stolen from his brother and mother, and likely from me, to pawn things.

He’s shown no respect for my wife of 14 years.

I’ve explained that he needs to quit drugs, get counselling and find work.

I don’t want him and his girlfriend living with us. We own a beautiful house, with many valuable items. But I feel guilty for not taking them in.

I’ve said I’d assist them with rent (limited) and schooling expenses.

If I continue with tough love, he may end up on the streets or worse.

If I take him in, it could end my marriage.

- Guilt-ridden Dad

Drop the guilt. He’s now an adult making poor choices; but stay with your caring and responsibility. 

Help him find cheap accommodation; get him to a doctor to check for depression (treatment could lift his ability to find work).

Make his getting off drugs a condition of your continuing to fund his basic needs and any education efforts.

Accompany him to career counselling to explore courses he could take to upgrade his skills.

Show love and interest but NOT indulgence.

After 18 months dating I’m more disgusted with this man than in love. 

He’s kind and sweet but lacks the ability to perform sex unless we wait for several weeks in between. I feel that I’m sacrificing something I enjoy.

He lives for smoking marijuana and drinking on a daily basis and I feel this stops him from performing.

I recently learned he’s about to lose his job (heard not from him, but from his family talking).

I don’t mind helping him and his kids, if necessary, but how am I supposed to react, when he didn’t even attend an interview he had?

Is it wrong for me to walk away from him in such a fragile state?

- Fed Up in Chicago

You should be finished with this man because he’s more into his excesses than you. 

Worse, he prefers abusing alcohol and drugs to providing for his kids. They’re not your responsibility, but it would be a kindness to help them out with some groceries and clothes (no money, he’ll only spend it on booze and weed) while he looks for work.

But the relationship between you two is over… unless he comes back in six months, clean, sober, employed, and loving.

My boyfriend of seven months and I have lots of fun together, and I have strong loving feelings for him but he says he’s not ready. He adds, “You know I love you.” 

Lately I’ve tried not to say it because I want us to both mean it.

Am I pushing too much by wanting us to feel the same way?

Is he never going to be ready?

How do I tell him how I feel?

- Anxious for Love

He knows how you feel, and yes, you’re pushing. 

Seven months isn’t a long time, and he’s expressed love, but doesn’t want to be backed against a wall.

Slow up, and stop acting insecure and needy, it’s making him nervous and will eventually push him away.

My husband of 14 years has admitted he had sex outside the marriage. I was devastated but not surprised. His sex drive has always been much higher than mine. 

We love each other and are willing to work through it.

Do you recommend we see a therapist?

It’s going to take time for me to trust him but I do love him and we have invested much already, in our family and us.

- Devastated

Therapy is essential to help you both assess your contribution to this situation- e.g. if your sex drives have differed so much, why haven’t you sought professional help previously and explored the background to his greater needs and your lesser ones? 

You can find a local marriage counsellor in North America through TherapistLocator.net. Ask questions about the therapist’s expertise with sex-drive issues, and remember: the therapy process can only resolve problems if you’re both open about yourselves.