I’m 46, male, working in law enforcement. 

Three years ago, after three dates, a woman said she was in love and wanted to marry me. I got close to her kids. We agreed to forego sex until the time was right.

I soon learned she had financial problems for which I help her. But whenever I plan time alone together, she always has an excuse.

I’ve asked if she’s still involved with someone or just using me for financial help.

She recently said she was raped but won’t talk about it; yet I’m doubtful because she didn’t file a police report.

I’m considering distancing from her for good but I love her kids and I’d still try to be there for them.

- Fed Up

Stop any wedding plans. Insist on open discussion of why she avoids intimacy with you. 

If a previous rape has made her uncomfortable about having sex, she needs counselling about the experience and to help her move forward, or she’s not prepared to be a true partner to you or anyone else.

If you disbelieve her, (unfortunately many rape victims are ashamed or afraid to involve police) then you’re not ready either to be her partner unless you get professional help together.

Don’t drag out this relationship unless you’re both working at improving it; it’s unfair to the kids. You can still show your interest in them by staying in touch sometimes, as a family friend.

A mutual friend stayed with us for several months during a difficult time in his life. He was rude, obnoxious, looked at pornographic sites on my computer (despite my request he not do that). 

My boyfriend and I finally gave him a month’s notice, and then had to practically drag him out. He left the room a disgusting mess, and with no thanks.

Now he’s asking my boyfriend for favours and help with the move. My boyfriend agreed.

I feel he’s being a pushover and not standing up for us when someone’s wronged us. He says it’s none of my business and he’ll do what he wants regardless of what I think.

- An Impasse

You were both aware of this friend’s difficulties, yet both invited him; and you agreed when he should leave. Now, your guy wants to still be kind, and is likely put off by your taking a harsher stand. 

If you two are usually in sync, drop your self-righteous outrage. It’s not worth a major rift between you.

My sister, 35, is marrying a boyfriend of one year who’s 50. 

Because he has little money, she chose and paid for the engagement ring.

He’s not interested in a big wedding yet she’s planning and paying for a fairytale event.

I fear this marriage is doomed. Eventually she’ll resent being the sole supporter of him and the children she wants so badly.

Everyone has said she’s making a huge mistake out of desperation, but she doesn’t care.

How can I get over my concern and be as happy and okay with the situation as she is?

- Perturbed in Pittsburgh

Your desire to turn around your own attitude is the bright light amidst all this judgment. 

Though you’re free to have some concerns, she’s free to take her own risks. You can NOT predict how this man may suit her over time, especially if she can afford her dreams.

Ask to be involved in the wedding plans, be upbeat with her, and supportive when need be.

I met a great girl at a bar, after I’d already gotten plastered from doing shots to avoid the mostly boring crowd. We hit it off, and I tried to fool around a bit in the cab when I took her to her home. She kissed me back, but that’s all. 

I’ve asked her out since, but she’s acting wary. She keeps referring to my being drunk and moving too fast.

How can I get a fresh start with her?

- Usually Sober

Talk sober sense: Apologize and assure her that you don’t usually drink that much. (If you’re stretching the truth, make it real - for your own sake.) 

Suggest meeting for coffee, and just chatting and getting to know each other in the light of day.

Now that you’ve seen how a night of shots can cause you to be the loser, build the confidence to socialize without drinking to excess.