I’m a successful career woman, 30, with a home and happy, committed relationship.  

My boyfriend is well-educated with good career prospects but not yet fully established. This bothers my parents.

Recently, my mother confronted him, saying he’s not “the one”, and that I cannot be trusted to make my own relationship decisions. She said he should end the relationship because he doesn’t deserve me.

He tried to reassure her that she raised a daughter capable of making good decisions, to no avail.

Knowing I’d be furious, she said there was no need for me to hear about the discussion.

Ellie, I love my parents. I’ve always involved them (especially my mother) in every decision, knowing it pleases them to have their opinion weighed.

Now I realize they truly believe I cannot survive without them. I wish to discuss with my mother how disrespectful she’s been to my boyfriend, and me and move forward without resentment.

- Meddling Mom

Change your own behaviour - that will alter the dynamic with your parents. 

You’d set the stage for Mom’s meddling, so share the blame rather than accuse her of disrespect.

Say you no longer need opinions on all that you do.

Also, stop sharing plans until they’re under way.

Tell her you understand why she felt her involvement was needed, but it’s no longer an appropriate role. Remind her that you’ve succeeded in many important decisions, that you must make your own long-term relationship choice, and it’s time for both parents to show trust in you.

Tell her that if she/they continue to hold a negative opinion about this man you love, it’ll ultimately push you away and defeat your shared desire to be a close, loving family.

Be kind but firm; she’ll get it.

I have a young daughter with a woman I love but our relationship ended when she discovered my cheating. 

I regret what I did but whenever I try to talk to her, she’s irritated or says she’s waiting for someone else to call. That was so devastating, I burst into tears when she said it.

I’m still in love with her and want to be with her and my daughter.

What can I do so we can be a family again?

- Crying Shame

You need to prove with actions that you intend to be a partner raising your daughter – financially, and as a regular presence in the child’s life. That’s essential both in proving you’re responsible as a parent, and also as a man who insists he’ll not stray again. 

You must also apologize fully for the cheating.

Stay persistent but not pushy in your efforts to talk to her. If she has any feelings left for you, your steadfastness will soften her resistance.

If not, you must still work out a decent way to share the tasks of caring for your child.

My boyfriend of 10 months had a past disastrous relationship that traumatized him. He’ll get close to me, and then withdraw, again and again. 

I’ve been patient and understanding but don’t know where we stand as a couple.

How do I discuss this without scaring him away?

- Confused

If you ask the question, you’ll have to be prepared for the answer of someone who fears further disaster. 

Better to suggest that he talk this out with a professional counsellor, to decide for himself when, and whether, he’s ready to trust in a relationship again. This will be necessary for his own sake as well as yours.

I met this guy one month after he broke up with his girlfriend of seven years. 

Our relationship (four months) is good but I feel he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. I’m sure he’s not seeing anyone else though he told me his ex was calling him.

He’s never said he loves me, he just says “like.”

Is he using me while nursing his breakup, or wanting to get back with the ex?

Or am I just insecure?

- Not Loved Yet

Your insecurity is making him wary of saying too much, and can even cause him to run from your nervous clutches. Back off, and give the guy a chance to settle from his break-up. 

Using you? Maybe not, but you’re clinging too hard, too soon. Slow down, and give his feelings room to grow, and channel yours into getting to know him, without holding on so desperately.